IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RIDE

Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else. ~Jimmy Eat World

(I've always found this band name odd but this is just my opinion.)

This is my song for my oldest. It has been for many years. The music often plays in the background of my mind while I watch her at various occasions as she grows up and experiences new things. Tonight being one of them.

We'd been searching for well over a month for the perfect dress. One that would speak to who my daughter is today - part tomboy, part rocker chick, part intellectual, part mature teen, part girly girl (though this last one she'll deny but its a fact). A dress that wasn't too clingy, too short or too pink.

JC Penney offered up two dresses. The sale was too good to pass up so we got both. One a cute sun dress with thick straps, the other a short but not too short, purple metallic type strapless dress. The colors of the sun dress - teal, green, white and black - appealed to her much more as green is her "it" color right now and teal has always been a fave.

Fast forward a couple weeks to her step-sister getting a dress from the store she really wanted to get one from and the JC Penney dresses are no longer cool. K's dress made her look "sexy" according to my daughter. I had to do all I could not to comment on this statement. What my mind was screaming was, "OF COURSE IT DOES! She's on probation for SEXTing for criminy sake!" But I held my tongue. It still hurts from biting it so hard.

In the end, I did get what she meant. She felt her step-sister would once again be in the spotlight, regardless of it being for something positive or negative. What she doesn't get is that she is often in the spotlight herself, solos at concerts, superintendent's awards for academics, high honors and more. My daughter just doesn't feel like she gets attention for those things at her father's house. I hate this situation.

So we went shopping again. Finally after five stores, we stopped in Macy's. We'd looked at tons of dresses, finally finding this beautiful silver one. Silver but with a slight blue-ish hue. Cool. The neckline was in the sweetheart style. It looked sort of like this one:

Only M's fell a little more above the knee. We altered it a bit by adding a flower on the front and interestingly enough, a pink ribbon, and it turned out beautiful. I didn't get to see her put her whole look together until we got to the celebration. She had gone with her father, it being his weekend and I had her brother to take care of who had been running a fever for two days and was now better.

I found her across a sea of formally dressed girls looking like high schoolers already and boys who still looked like they should be in elementary school in their casual and somewhat relaxed outfits. She'd managed to pull off sophisticated, gorgeous and classic all in one. She out-shined not only her step sister but a number of her friends, not all, there were some girls who will give my daughter a run for her money in the maturity/looks/brains department. I had a few parents comment on how stunning she turned out.

So here I am, waiting for the people renting the hall tonight for a sweet 16 party to call to tell me they are done cleaning - and salivating at the idea of falling asleep yet still having to stay up, hearing this song play in the background of the replay of tonight's main event. It doesn't if its good enough for someone else...it mattered that she had the biggest smile and the brightest aura I'd seen on her in a long time.

She may be shifting from middle school to high school now but she's still in the middle - and I'm so glad to be here with her. I love you M.

MIGHT AS WELL BE WALKING ON THE SUN

Twenty-five years ago they spoke out and they broke out
Of recession and oppression and together they toked
And they folked out with guitars around a bonfire ~Smash Mouth

More than 25 years now, but wow what a difference! Back then, people rallied for causes they believed in, peaceful was their intent. Now, some rallies are peaceful, but woe to you if you do not abide those beliefs!

I'm amazed at the hypocritical comments and actions that abound these days. People just don't think before the words come out or the actions take place. Then judgments fly. If you haven't seen a judgment fly by you lately, just take a breath, open your eyes and ears and there will be one nearby.

Don't take this as a rant. It does not come from a place of anger or frustration. Merely an observation. I'm a Virgo, it is what we do, observe. We can be critical too, so I do my best to cushion my comments somewhat.

Yesterday, my mother was commenting on how she felt she was doing a world tour lately, a Polish bakery the day before, a Dutch eatery yesterday. I, looking out at the children across the street playing in a sprinkler said, "And you've come home to a Mexican water park." She looked at me mortified. I looked back and said, "Really, is that a bad thing to say? I'm not being malicious, nor condemning. They are Mexican and they've created their own play area with water." She said, "It isn't nice, that's all."

Please. I get commented on because I'm a woman, a mother, a GIRL. I listen to comments about my gender or role constantly. "Oh she's soft on the kids because she's a woman." (Ask the kids, not true, not harsh on them but not soft either - loving and firm combined). There are plenty more that people have heard that don't need me to repeat them.

I honestly don't even know where I was going with this commentary today but was compelled by the urge to write while listening to the Smash Mouth song. Kind of a strange song but in the end, I guess it does make sense. Stop rushing, stop missing the moment. If you're so busy focused on the past or the future, you might as well be walking on the sun.

THE LAZY BLOG

Today I don’t feel like doing anything
I just wanna lay in my bed
Don’t feel like picking up my phone
So leave a message at the tone
Cus today I swear I'm not doing anything ~ Bruno Mars

I had a request for another song from a previous blog however this is the one calling to me today. Sometimes it works out that the song brought to mind fits with the way the words want to flow, other times, it requires a bit of a shuffle through the Ipod to get an idea formulating - aka writers block.

Not so today. I'm wide awake and filled with wonderful energy. That being said, I don't want to do anything. I want to do everything and nothing all at the same time.

The weather is in a word glorious. The sky is brilliant blue with just a few translucent clouds here and there, nothing compared to the week and a half prior. The temperature hovers in the seventies with a refreshing breeze tinkling the chimes on the porch.

Speaking of sound, the high school band is practicing for their big march on Memorial Day and we in the neighborhood are getting a preview. They are actually quite good. The dog is certainly enjoying them though he wants to see them. He's running from the front door to the back where he can go out the doggie door to the back yard in desperate hopes to catch those noise makers!

I woke up this morning first around 5 and thought, Oh HELL no!, rolled over and promptly fell back asleep once again. Then about 6 something I opened my eyes and just wanted to be out of bed. Those who know me are dropping their jaws in shock right now. Yes, I did indeed want to leave my lovely place of slumber and no I didn't just move to the couch as I do most days. I got up, cleaned up, dressed and made up for the breakfast networking event I had to get up early for in the first place.

Speaking of bed - Sealy had this great commercial I saw on youtube for their mattresses. It has screen shots of couples in bed, with a satiated, happy look on their faces under the covers. The back ground music is repeating, "Just a little lovin' early in the mornin'". It fades to black with word Springs and a note saying, "For whatever you do in bed - Sealy supports it". LOVED IT!

Surprisingly, I enjoyed myself. I had forgotten how much I liked the social and informational component of these events. I definitely will be attending more. Speaking of which there is another one tonight! Yay!

I taught Tai Chi and Qigong this morning for the Seniors. I love teaching this class. They are just so sweet and wonderful and amaze me all the time with how active and fruitful their lives are after retirement.

My one appointment today canceled which was fine. It left me time to catch up on paperwork and then site back and listen to the lazy song. Not sure how it came to mind exactly.

I believe the train of thought started with the beautiful garden of flowers and plants I have outside. I've loved all the flowers and greens I have in the gardens but not nearly as much as the callas! I found calla lilies at a local store at a great price. One, a white with purple in the center, has green leaves with white spots on them - really funky looking. The other, a deep burgundy - wine colored, just jumped right out at me begging me to add them to my garden. You can see pics of what they look like in the beginning of this post.

I got outside and saw how beautiful the weather was and knew I'd have to take the dog for a walk, that led me back inside to the sound of my phone ringing. Fifteen minutes later, I was definitely distracted. If I had listened to the song I wouldn't have answered the phone. Lunch called. I made a yummy lunch of Golabki (or stuffed cabbage rolls) and then set to answering emails while I ate.

Once I got into answering emails, then I ended up on here. I've thought of a few other activities I enjoy on a Lazy day. I'm thinking I might go through a few of them. Meditating being one of them. And something else that starts with M. I might also catch up on the Oprah shows. I know it is all over as of today. I haven't watched much at all since my children were at home during the entire day. Now I catch it rarely because they are just getting in the door about that time. Priorities - children over Oprah - most days anyway. ;OD

And now, since I'm a girl and Beyoncé has just come on, I guess I RUN THIS MOTHER - and I'm out. Happy Lazy Day to you!

CHASING PAVEMENTS

Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere ~ Adele


Now this here song has a far different meaning than what I'm about to discuss in this here blog, chillin's! (Yeah, not sure why the crazy old country coot accent but the fingers went there.) I just found it to be the three perfect words.

Last October, I bought the family business. The family being my father and step-mother's dance hall. They opened this place about six years ago as of this past Saturday. It was a place for my step-mother to do her line dance lessons (which she got into after years of working construction, yes, I know what I wrote) as well as offer her a place to cook for the multitudes which she loved to do. Sunday dinners at my parents could feed an army or at least fifty people with leftovers. My father, once a professional radio DJ, would play the music for all the events. They had traveled around the state for many years doing mobile entertainment but finally decided to settle down in their own place.

My step mother died, three years ago this June. My father retired shortly after she died or before, I can't remember. All I know was that he'd spent years working 12-15 hour days to support this business. I thought it was because my step mother spent a lot of money (which was true) but I'm learning it was far more than that.

Last year and for some time before his final decision, my father had decided he wanted out. It wasn't his thing. He'd been withdrawing more and more. Politics keep him quite busy in town as well. He started mentioning back in July of last year that he was looking at the possibility of selling. It went in one ear and out the other.

Lets see, in July of last year, I was back in school...again. The Institute of Integrative Nutrition, for a certification in Health Coaching/Counseling. I had three children I was taxiing back and forth to camp and my own business of holistic health that I was involved in. Plus some other stuff I'm sure but these are the major ones that stick out.

Then August comes with our family vacation with my mother-in-law to Washington, D.C. where my husband has to have emergency surgery (not major, just same-day but needed to be done) at a hospital far from home. Not the best of vacations I can attest to but glad I was there to take care of him.

End of August comes and finds me and Dad sitting on my front porch. He says, "I'm selling the hall." I say, "Oh, do you have a buyer?" He says, "No, not yet." I sit for a moment, then say, "What about me?"

Yeah, what about me?! Ugh. I called my husband, he was all for it. Thought it was a great idea and opportunity. I talked with a friend who became an investor because she thought it was an amazing opportunity. Everything seemed to fall into place. And it did. I purchased it the end of September.

Then the shit hit the fan. I went to my niece's birthday party (a fitness lap dance party - yeah, this is my family remember!) then next door to the bar with a couple friends and my niece who's birthday it was, my other niece and my sister (my step-mother's daughter). The birthday girl decides to leave. The older niece gets drunk and proceeds to lay into me about purchasing the hall as if I had no right to do so. "Why didn't grandpa ask mom or anyone else?" Me: "Um, he did. It was no secret he was selling and they had opportunity to purchase." (She then went later on to call my father and have it out with him over his choice of buyers for the hall and he gave it right back which surprised me) Her: "I want a better relationship with you." Me: Nothings stopping you." (Haven't heard from her since)

Then she opened her mouth to begin to say something and I knew exactly what she was going to say..."Do you remember back when I was little and you were pregnant-" I stopped her right here. I knew. I couldn't believe she was talking about this. She was bringing up a conversation I had with my father FOURTEEN YEARS AGO!! When I was pregnant with my first child. I was desperate for some sign from my father that I was special. I certainly felt the other children were. Thus the bane of a child who doesn't live with her father. I said something to him that came out wrong. Little did I know he'd tell my sister who would become DEEPLY offended by it. Which I attempted to explain had really nothing to do with her. I'm pretty sure that solidified the rift between my step-sister and myself.

But here, fourteen years later, my niece who was not even there and was a little girl at the time, brings it up to me while she is drunk. I was livid. I went off on her and was disgusted with the situation. For her to bring it up meant my sister must have told her and told her recently. It must have had something to do with me purchasing the business. Me being my father's daughter and they weren't or something to that effect. Who knows the truth? I just realized that my sister is manipulative and not real. I haven't had much to do with her since. Same with that niece. I'm okay with this.

Moving on.

October, November and December were wonderful. I was in the RED with a brand new business!! I couldn't believe it! I shouldn't have.

January came with the storms. We were open a total of six days. Now I was in the black (in the hole and it was getting bigger and bigger). February came, not much better but a little bit more. My health wasn't spectacular but I got by.

March comes and the shit hits the fan. The business is doing well with bookings (hall rentals) but I get the kidney stones, hit by the car and just plain worn out. April starts to get better but I'm not able to work in my holistic health business much (no massages due to a sprained L4 disk) and money is tight.

Now here's May and the business is slow again. Thank God I can massage again to make some extra money! But it has me wondering if I'm just chasing pavements. Am I going to make money off this business or am I going to be working my ass off to make it work like it appears my father did? I don't think I realized this until now while I'm writing. He worked full-time and then some basically to afford having this business. I'm not sure how I go about making it flush.

I suppose I should add a codifier to this by stating today is a miserable rainy Monday after a somewhat lackluster weekend. Next weekend could be better. I have an opportunity to create a teen dance place but it will take some work. I'm thinking this should what I do asap to bring some money in.

I'm behind in my lease payments by a month. Not too bad but still. I don't know what I want at this moment. I keep thinking how nice it would to have my own office for massage and health coaching. How do I go about doing this? I don't know.

Oh, by the way, I just graduated from IIN and am now officially a certified health coach. I should be focusing on this because it will bring in a steady income, but I'm busy with the other business. How do I balance it all?

So this leads me to calling the doctor about getting back on Strattera for my ADHD. The new doctor I go to refused and then in a sickeningly sweet (this patient must be so insane) voice, the nurse informed me I need to see a mental health doctor. GREAT! Ah well. I guess I know who I'm calling today. ;O)

I'm in need of an assistant. This is totally what I need. I think I'll have to chase some pavements in this direction for a little while (if only in my mind)

Happy Monday

HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT

You come on with your come-ons, you don't fight fair
That's O.K., see if I care!
Knock me down, it's all in vain
I'll get right back on my feet again! ~ Pat Benatar


March. What a month. Let's just say 2011 has been interesting overall. January and February were a blur of white with all the snow and school cancellations which led to business closings too. Then we come upon March.

What can I say, I started the month filled with excitement of the hall being booked up all but two days. I also had a lot of positive momentum in other areas as well. Only a couple of down days where I just felt run down, not emotionally down. Yeah, there were some personal issues but nothing that can't be worked out in the long run.

Well, the physical came to a head last weekend. Sheesh, it seems so far away now. I love how time works like that. It creates a distance from an experience/situation like nothing else. You can drive away to put distance between you and that thing but I've found only time is the best resource.

So last weekend, actually it started last Thursday, the 24th. If you read the previous blog, you know I ended up with kidney stones. Two about the size of an eye booger. 2 Millimeters. I can't believe the amount of pain those f*ckers caused.

I took myself off the pain meds on Monday. I hated how I felt on them. Loved sleeping but now my sleep pattern is all out of whack. (Weird phrase out-of-whack). Tuesday came and went with minimal work. I had canceled my appointments that day too and went to work that night at the hall but left early because I was run down and sore. Wednesday I taught class in the morning, saw a client and then two others in the early evening. Ended up with a slight fever that night and went home early again.

Thursday. Once again, Thursday. The day started out nice and simple. I went to my son's parent teacher conference. Turns out he's just like me. Extremely smart and feels school is beneath him so why bother doing the work. Unreal. Sins of the father oops mother revisited. Ugh. He's doing well in school - A's and B's but without any effort. The teacher thinks he'd do well in a Magnet school so I have to look into that this week. It might be too late for next year. Hopefully there is an opportunity for him.

That night found me at the hall again. Covering the counter for the people who rent it for the night. The instructor needed someone to help out. So I went. I stayed until about 9pm, then headed out the the car. Carrying my briefcase and pocketbook, I walked out into the downpour of heavy snow and rain. YUCK! As I got a few feet from the door I watched a car out of the corner of my eye pull through an empty space heading toward me. I thought, "He doesn't see me." Now my business is right next door do a hockey rink. The same place my son played and husband still plays at.

As I think this, sure enough, he picks up a little speed, again just eased through the empty space and turns toward me. I picked up my pace enough to find myself on the driver's side but still in front of the car. I took the front of the car on my left side (opposite the briefcase with computer and pocketbook - priorities you know). I don't know how it happened but I managed to keep my feet moving while leaning against the front of the car and get beyond it without being knocked down.

It was all surreal. I can still see it, feel it, hear it, everything from that moment. It truly felt like what you watch in a movie. A part of me wonders if I wasn't pushed out of me by something so that something could be in control in that moment. I really feel like I viewed the whole scenario from outside of me.

I don't truly believe I was ever in danger of losing my life...major damage to my body, sure that was possible, probable even. Surprising that it didn't happen.

Oh and the poor guy. He was in shock too. He asked if I was okay. Sure I was but I was wet and upset and just wanted to get out of the rain/snow. I told him I'd be fine. I think at this point in my life I have a fairly good grasp on who I am, what my body is like and what not (the kidney stone incident doesn't apply here). I just wanted him to leave so I could put distance between me and the incident. He did. So I got in the car and cried. For a moment.

Then I drove home, shaking a bit. Knowing my husband and possibly the kids would be up. M was sitting with my husband. He was on the computer, she was watching TV. W had gone to bed. I went directly to the bathroom to see what I looked like and if I had any bruises. Nope, just wet.

I went back into the living room, sat down and said, "Um, so I was just hit by a car while I walked out of the hall to my car." M was concerned, hubby to a small extent but was caught up with something on the pc and obviously if I was there telling the story I must have been ok.

I put M to bed and said goodnight to W who was still up. Then my husband asked me how I was. I told him shook up. It was definitely a shock.

No black and blues but very sore body. My right knee is bothering me but I think it is a re-injuring of an old issue. I'll deal with it.

I've gone about my weekend and once again my sleep is off. I decided to get up and write it all out. There is much more that just has to do with family drama but for now I figured I'd get this out of my system.

I am fine. I survived two kidney stones and getting hit by a car all in one week. I can't help but laugh. March is done. April is here. So far so good. I do admit, I'm nervous while walking in a parking lot. Especially if I see a bright blue car. I'll be on guard for a while I suppose.

I didn't get knocked down. I'm still standing. Oooh a new song, I'll leave you with this:

Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind

I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah ~ Elton John

FEEL NO PAIN

There`s no-one coming with that freedom train.
There`s nowhere you can go where you feel no pain.
Take the blinkers off you eye`s,
The power`s in your hand;
Stop waiting for your ticket to the promised land.

There ain`t no heaven and there ain`t no hell.
Except the one we`re in, and you know too well
There`s no-one waiting on,
Waiting on a higher high;
Don`t let the only world you`re ever gonna live in
pass you by. ~ UB40

If only it were true. Too feel no pain. Well today I'm not really feeling any pain. A couple days ago, not quite the case.

Thursday it started. I sat at my counter at the hall I own waiting for students to arrive to the Zumba Gold class we hold in the mornings. I had a fine morning so far, stopped into Starbucks, saw some friends and got to the hall and got to work. No one showed for the class. It happens. Sometimes we have a few, sometimes we have none. I don't get it but it is what it is. I'm not stressing over it. I'm putting in an ad for the Ballroom we have here this coming week and hopefully I can get one in for Zumba the following week. If I hit it a couple of times, maybe the word will get out.

I started to feel a pain in my right side near my back, as if I'd done some heavy lifting work or something recently, which I can promise I hadn't done. I ate some yogurt which was my breakfast and went home. I figured it was just a major gas bubble because it went away after I went to the bathroom.

I had cancelled my client that day because I just wasn't sure what was happening. I felt fine a few hours later.

Friday morning found me in excruciating pain at 5:30 am. My husband had gone on a business trip, aka skiing in Vermont. He did get work done though apparently. I got up took some Advil and put the heating pad on. So not the right thing because the pain was intense. I just got up and went to watch TV in the living room. By 8 the pain was still there so I cancelled the clients I had (only two) and went back to bed. The pain went away by about 10am. I saw my later client and went out with my friend L to see a play at the Long Wharf Theater in New Haven. The play, Agnes Under the Big Top, which you can see a write up about here: http://www.longwharf.org/agnes-under-the-big-top, was definitely interesting. Definitely a theme I can get behind: Hope.

I had felt fine all night. Got home and went to bed exhausted. Woke up at 9:30 - oh how I love to sleep in! Slowly the discomfort crept in. By 10:30 I was in pain. I called my doctor's office and left a message with the on call doctor. Twenty minutes later I told my husband I think I should go to the walk in clinic. I figured I'd have to go on my own. I didn't think he thought I would need someone to go with me. To my surprise he drove me. By the time we got in the car, I was in such pain I began crying. He said, we should go to the ER. So we did.

It felt like it took forever just to get to the hospital! Once there it went fast. They processed me and got me into a room. The doctor came in pretty quick and said he thought it was possibly a gallbladder issue but that they wanted to be sure. They'd give me pain medication (dilaudid) and thank god they did because I had no concept of what was happening beyond the pain I was feeling. Apparently we were waiting for people to come in from being "on call" to do the ultra sound and then CT scan. Once this was all completed we discovered two kidney stones about 2 millimeters in size. This is the equivalent of 0.078740 inches. A tiny m-fer. Two of them. Caused so much pain I cried a few times.

They sent me home to "pass" the stones. Nothing I needed to do other than take the pain medication and just drink lots of liquids. I was sleepy but for some reason I don't like being on pain medication so I don't sleep when I first get on them. I hung out with my husband and to be honest I don't know where the day went.

Something happened at one point and we got into a fight. I don't know what started it but I do know some of the things stated. I'm tired of it. I was out of it and being fought with. Some of it had to do with my being competitive (this came out because he's looking at new cars and assumed I'd want one too, oh and new phones and assumed I'd want a new one too). Finally I just had it. Something has snapped in me. I'm done fighting. I don't know exactly what that means but it does mean I'm done. I've decided to just do my own thing. I love my husband but there is a distance there now. I've got a call into a marriage counselor to see if I can find someone to talk to. I hope this helps. I really do want to stay married but I don't need the stress that comes from these arguments.

Sunday I was on my own most of the day recovering. I slept. Hubby was working on a commercial at L's house.

Monday came and I cancelled my class and client and slept. Tension between hubby and I is gone but the memory of what took place is still there. I think on some level he was scared about what happened and this was his reaction. I think also on some other level it wasn't about him so again he reacted. Yes, I do think this and if he hadn't mentioned his surgery while we were on vacation back in August of last year at least four times, I wouldn't have even once thought he was making it about himself. But he did. He mentioned it again when the kids got home on Sunday from their father's house and we told them what happened. Yeah, it irked me.

Monday also brought my "friend". It has been a ridiculous couple of days. Last night was nice. M & W & I walked to get something for dinner. I hadn't driven for a few days because of the pain meds. They made me a little loopy and dizzy. We had a nice night and I crashed pretty early after a conversation about how I'm not good at initiating sex. Um, yeah, again, timing and not even about me. I started to explain my thoughts and feelings and just decided to be quiet.

Today I'm chilling out. I had a student this morning, cancelled my one client, spent some time with my son who had a half day, ordered my hubby's phone which I did not get a new one of. Oh and he's gotten two new computers and I haven't. He's gotten all kinds of toys for hockey and I haven't. I'm not sure where he is getting this competitive thing but whatever. Part of me feels like throwing the phone at him when it comes in and the greater part just doesn't care anymore.

As I type this I wonder what my feelings really are. I spent the whole weekend and last two days waiting for the stones to pass. I wonder if I'm waiting for more to pass. I guess I should do as the song says and not let the world pass me by, which I think I have been doing. I'm not going to sit and wait for something to happen any more. I've been numb the past couple days, perhaps more we'll see.

I'M ONLY HAPPY WHEN...

I only smile in the dark
My only comfort is the night gone black
I didn't accidentally tell you that
I'm only happy when it rains
You'll get the message by the time I'm through
When I complain about me and you
I'm only happy when it rains

I'm only happy when it rains
I feel good when things are going wrong
I only listen to the sad sad songs
I'm only happy when it rains ~ Garbage

I'm only happy most of the time. One friend nicknamed me Mary-f'n-Poppins because I always find the good in things - just a spoonful of sugar truly does make all the bad go away. Another friend nicknamed me SuperCALYfragilistic a spin off the previous nickname mixed with another one I had for a long time. They fit. All of them. They still do to an extent.

This song played recently. It is raining and I'm in Starbucks with someone listening to music on their iPod rather loudly but I'm okay with this because it caused me to pause in my viewing of the raindrops on the pavement of the parking lot to look up the song. These lyrics are the antithesis of who I ultimately am. Though interestingly enough lately I do feel a bit like this. I'm not sad today. I'm quite happy. I feel like things are changing. A shift is about to commence.

What is the shift? I don't really know how to explain it. For years I've been studying everything that would make my whole life into a truly holistic lifestyle. I studied meditation, massage therapy, Reiki, philosophy, religion, psychology, counseling, and more. Yet for the last few months I've been anything but the relaxed person I'd been years ago when I was in massage therapy school. Granted I was getting a massage twice a week - but that can't be all of it.

I do know that for a long time I haven't been writing/blogging/whatever. I think somewhere along the way I got away from blogging because it had become so commercialized and monetized. I didn't feel this was me (so far but if I can make loads of what I write who knows!). The other component was time. Where would I find the time? And what to write about?

Well, it was the same as it always had been, write what is happening in the moment, write whenever you can, and ultimately write for you. If any one else reads it, great, if not, you've at least vented/escaped/created you name it!

So today is a perfect day to write. I'm snuggled into a faux velvet overstuffed chair poised so I can watch the eager customers enter for their cup of comfort or whatever this morning.

I'm off shortly to teach Tai Chi for the seniors and do a workshop for them on Mindfulness. This is what I love.

I may get a little wet as the world pours what some may see as misery down on me, but I look at it as a cleansing. One that I've needed for some time. Consider me in the process of re-awakening for the umpteenth time in my life. It just puts me one step closer to my ultimate destination - me.