I'M ONLY HAPPY WHEN...

I only smile in the dark
My only comfort is the night gone black
I didn't accidentally tell you that
I'm only happy when it rains
You'll get the message by the time I'm through
When I complain about me and you
I'm only happy when it rains

I'm only happy when it rains
I feel good when things are going wrong
I only listen to the sad sad songs
I'm only happy when it rains ~ Garbage

I'm only happy most of the time. One friend nicknamed me Mary-f'n-Poppins because I always find the good in things - just a spoonful of sugar truly does make all the bad go away. Another friend nicknamed me SuperCALYfragilistic a spin off the previous nickname mixed with another one I had for a long time. They fit. All of them. They still do to an extent.

This song played recently. It is raining and I'm in Starbucks with someone listening to music on their iPod rather loudly but I'm okay with this because it caused me to pause in my viewing of the raindrops on the pavement of the parking lot to look up the song. These lyrics are the antithesis of who I ultimately am. Though interestingly enough lately I do feel a bit like this. I'm not sad today. I'm quite happy. I feel like things are changing. A shift is about to commence.

What is the shift? I don't really know how to explain it. For years I've been studying everything that would make my whole life into a truly holistic lifestyle. I studied meditation, massage therapy, Reiki, philosophy, religion, psychology, counseling, and more. Yet for the last few months I've been anything but the relaxed person I'd been years ago when I was in massage therapy school. Granted I was getting a massage twice a week - but that can't be all of it.

I do know that for a long time I haven't been writing/blogging/whatever. I think somewhere along the way I got away from blogging because it had become so commercialized and monetized. I didn't feel this was me (so far but if I can make loads of what I write who knows!). The other component was time. Where would I find the time? And what to write about?

Well, it was the same as it always had been, write what is happening in the moment, write whenever you can, and ultimately write for you. If any one else reads it, great, if not, you've at least vented/escaped/created you name it!

So today is a perfect day to write. I'm snuggled into a faux velvet overstuffed chair poised so I can watch the eager customers enter for their cup of comfort or whatever this morning.

I'm off shortly to teach Tai Chi for the seniors and do a workshop for them on Mindfulness. This is what I love.

I may get a little wet as the world pours what some may see as misery down on me, but I look at it as a cleansing. One that I've needed for some time. Consider me in the process of re-awakening for the umpteenth time in my life. It just puts me one step closer to my ultimate destination - me.