LET YOU DOWN

What have I become?
my sweetest friend
Everyone I know
goes away in the end
You could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt ~ Nine Inch Nails

How do you not react to someone who just says things that get under your skin? How do you ignore passive aggressive comments that just seem to constantly be spewed forth day after day? What do you do when you feel (and quite rightly so because it is true) that your child is being picked on constantly by your husband who is her step-father? He's not malicious but it is enough to hurt her and in doing so hurts me.

I don't know how to explain this. Time after time, it comes up. I don't get why he feels the need to constantly "teach" or reprimand this honors student who gets awards for positive behavior and respect. She's very helpful around the house, she watches her brother when I need to work and is just an all around good kid. Yet, I don't think there is a day that goes by where he doesn't find some fault in her actions or behavior.

When we got together over five years ago, I told him, these kids - M & W - are my life. They come first for me. I was on my own at the time and did not have someone else in my life. I explained my belief as a parent. I am their guide, role model and caretaker. It is up to me to see them through these important years of their lives. He is a grown up and while I get he will need me as I will need him, it is in no way comparable to how these children need their parent. Now he gets this where E is concerned. No question. He does everything he can to be a positive, sweet, consoling, encouraging parent to her. Never does he comment on how she could do something better in a sniping or firm tone. It is always Disney sweet.

M & W see this and surprisingly they are not resentful of her for it. They truly love her and do not wish anything different for her. They do wish it were different for them.

That being said, perhaps sometimes I'm overly sensitive on this subject. M & W's father was very insensitive to they're feelings. He yelled, broke things and was just miserable. Sometimes I see something similar to this and those deep seeded emotions rise to the top. I had thought they were gone but I wonder if defending your children ever goes away. The need to defend them...I don't know.

Sometimes, I'm just tired. The complaint lately is that a toilet doesn't get flushed OR it is clogged. I agree this is gross. I've dealt with it myself a number of times, from each of the three children. Yet, the biggest perpetrator is the oldest. She often reads on the toilet and forgets to flush or by the time she does it becomes clogged. Then, my husband gets ripped over it and I feel the need to defend her. It is the way he goes about it. I really don't want to repeat this any more. I'm wondering if I should just step out of it and let him handle the situation directly with her? Do I trust him to be fair? Do I feel she'll be okay with it? I don't know the answer to these questions. I really don't.

Now take this weekend for instance, M's birthday was Friday. I don't really think he bothered to make it special for her in any way. She's been a part of his life for over five years. A good portion of her life anyway. Granted she was a way for most of it with her music festival but his focus was taking E skiing and W went too because he's got a snow board. He's been planning on taking E skiing for a while now because he'd asked a while back about what equipment she has over the phone one night. Now I'm sure he intended to include W but never did he even ask if M wanted to go. He did manage to get a couple pics of W though.

I love my husband a great deal. I have no doubts that he is a good man. I also believe he is very torn at times because when he looks at M, my guess is that he sees what he is missing with E. Therefore he needs to be that much more of disciplinarian with her. She's a teenager. She's potentially at risk. These are all comments I've heard. Sure she is, as all kids are, but don't show some love and nurturing and you push them away further. Kids need discipline but they also need to understand expectations but with love and caring behind it. He gets this with E. I don't understand why he can't do this with M & W other than the constant reminder I get from him "Its different with blood."

I find this a cop out. I have no problem showing E my love and nurturing side as well as my discipline and expectations. I get a tsk from him each time I do the latter. So perhaps it is his way of getting back at me for my reaction to him. I think I need to work on my reaction. I have to look to my behavior. This is the only thing I can control. This is perhaps the only way I can have it all.