FEEL NO PAIN

There`s no-one coming with that freedom train.
There`s nowhere you can go where you feel no pain.
Take the blinkers off you eye`s,
The power`s in your hand;
Stop waiting for your ticket to the promised land.

There ain`t no heaven and there ain`t no hell.
Except the one we`re in, and you know too well
There`s no-one waiting on,
Waiting on a higher high;
Don`t let the only world you`re ever gonna live in
pass you by. ~ UB40

If only it were true. Too feel no pain. Well today I'm not really feeling any pain. A couple days ago, not quite the case.

Thursday it started. I sat at my counter at the hall I own waiting for students to arrive to the Zumba Gold class we hold in the mornings. I had a fine morning so far, stopped into Starbucks, saw some friends and got to the hall and got to work. No one showed for the class. It happens. Sometimes we have a few, sometimes we have none. I don't get it but it is what it is. I'm not stressing over it. I'm putting in an ad for the Ballroom we have here this coming week and hopefully I can get one in for Zumba the following week. If I hit it a couple of times, maybe the word will get out.

I started to feel a pain in my right side near my back, as if I'd done some heavy lifting work or something recently, which I can promise I hadn't done. I ate some yogurt which was my breakfast and went home. I figured it was just a major gas bubble because it went away after I went to the bathroom.

I had cancelled my client that day because I just wasn't sure what was happening. I felt fine a few hours later.

Friday morning found me in excruciating pain at 5:30 am. My husband had gone on a business trip, aka skiing in Vermont. He did get work done though apparently. I got up took some Advil and put the heating pad on. So not the right thing because the pain was intense. I just got up and went to watch TV in the living room. By 8 the pain was still there so I cancelled the clients I had (only two) and went back to bed. The pain went away by about 10am. I saw my later client and went out with my friend L to see a play at the Long Wharf Theater in New Haven. The play, Agnes Under the Big Top, which you can see a write up about here: http://www.longwharf.org/agnes-under-the-big-top, was definitely interesting. Definitely a theme I can get behind: Hope.

I had felt fine all night. Got home and went to bed exhausted. Woke up at 9:30 - oh how I love to sleep in! Slowly the discomfort crept in. By 10:30 I was in pain. I called my doctor's office and left a message with the on call doctor. Twenty minutes later I told my husband I think I should go to the walk in clinic. I figured I'd have to go on my own. I didn't think he thought I would need someone to go with me. To my surprise he drove me. By the time we got in the car, I was in such pain I began crying. He said, we should go to the ER. So we did.

It felt like it took forever just to get to the hospital! Once there it went fast. They processed me and got me into a room. The doctor came in pretty quick and said he thought it was possibly a gallbladder issue but that they wanted to be sure. They'd give me pain medication (dilaudid) and thank god they did because I had no concept of what was happening beyond the pain I was feeling. Apparently we were waiting for people to come in from being "on call" to do the ultra sound and then CT scan. Once this was all completed we discovered two kidney stones about 2 millimeters in size. This is the equivalent of 0.078740 inches. A tiny m-fer. Two of them. Caused so much pain I cried a few times.

They sent me home to "pass" the stones. Nothing I needed to do other than take the pain medication and just drink lots of liquids. I was sleepy but for some reason I don't like being on pain medication so I don't sleep when I first get on them. I hung out with my husband and to be honest I don't know where the day went.

Something happened at one point and we got into a fight. I don't know what started it but I do know some of the things stated. I'm tired of it. I was out of it and being fought with. Some of it had to do with my being competitive (this came out because he's looking at new cars and assumed I'd want one too, oh and new phones and assumed I'd want a new one too). Finally I just had it. Something has snapped in me. I'm done fighting. I don't know exactly what that means but it does mean I'm done. I've decided to just do my own thing. I love my husband but there is a distance there now. I've got a call into a marriage counselor to see if I can find someone to talk to. I hope this helps. I really do want to stay married but I don't need the stress that comes from these arguments.

Sunday I was on my own most of the day recovering. I slept. Hubby was working on a commercial at L's house.

Monday came and I cancelled my class and client and slept. Tension between hubby and I is gone but the memory of what took place is still there. I think on some level he was scared about what happened and this was his reaction. I think also on some other level it wasn't about him so again he reacted. Yes, I do think this and if he hadn't mentioned his surgery while we were on vacation back in August of last year at least four times, I wouldn't have even once thought he was making it about himself. But he did. He mentioned it again when the kids got home on Sunday from their father's house and we told them what happened. Yeah, it irked me.

Monday also brought my "friend". It has been a ridiculous couple of days. Last night was nice. M & W & I walked to get something for dinner. I hadn't driven for a few days because of the pain meds. They made me a little loopy and dizzy. We had a nice night and I crashed pretty early after a conversation about how I'm not good at initiating sex. Um, yeah, again, timing and not even about me. I started to explain my thoughts and feelings and just decided to be quiet.

Today I'm chilling out. I had a student this morning, cancelled my one client, spent some time with my son who had a half day, ordered my hubby's phone which I did not get a new one of. Oh and he's gotten two new computers and I haven't. He's gotten all kinds of toys for hockey and I haven't. I'm not sure where he is getting this competitive thing but whatever. Part of me feels like throwing the phone at him when it comes in and the greater part just doesn't care anymore.

As I type this I wonder what my feelings really are. I spent the whole weekend and last two days waiting for the stones to pass. I wonder if I'm waiting for more to pass. I guess I should do as the song says and not let the world pass me by, which I think I have been doing. I'm not going to sit and wait for something to happen any more. I've been numb the past couple days, perhaps more we'll see.