I CAN BITCH BETTER THAN YOU...

I can bitch the best at your social dues
I get high in the evening sniffing pots of glue

I'm a bitch, I'm a bitch
Oh the bitch is back
Stone cold sober as a matter of fact
I can bitch, I can bitch
`Cause I'm better than you
It's the way that I move
The things that I do

I entertain by picking brains
Sell my soul by dropping names
I don't like those, my God, what's that
Oh it's full of nasty habits when the bitch gets back ~ Elton John

If I don't get a good night's sleep (10 hours minimum) I'm an absolute bear - a bitchy bear. I do my best not to get all UBER grouch on people but it doesn't seem to be one of those things my mind can keep at the forefront of itself. I work regularly at staying in the moment. In fact, I teach my clients and students this all the time - stay in the moment.

Staying in the moment allows you to create and truly participate in each and every aspect of what is taking place - in that moment. How many times have you sat at the end of the day and thought, "Where did the day go?" Or have you wondered, "where the time went?" When we're not in the moment, time becomes the thing we track, not the true essence of the experience. We miss out and all we have for it is the "time" that can be measured from when we got up from our slumber until we relax and settle back onto our beds signaling the end of yet another day. (For some day/night is relative and often job controlled).

So when I don't get the sleep I darn well know my body, mind and soul needs, I become a bitch. I snap, I pick, I tweak nerves, I pounce on the littlest indiscretions. My poor children. Nah, they got away with it this weekend. It was my dog. It seemed as if my sweet little demon puggle knew something was off. So what did he do you ask? Nothing other than attempt to be right at my feet ever second. I tripped over him left and right. He would be sniffing me if I stood up to leave the room and sniffing me as I returned. Does bitch have a scent? It must because he nosed it out!

What caused this lack of nightly re-energizing dormancy? Well, let's see. I got up about 5:30 am on Friday. Why? I don't really know. I didn't have to be up for another hour and a half. Could have been my daughter's birthday that got me thinking a lot? I don't know.

My oldest daughter (M) turned 14 on Friday. I guess I've been thinking a lot about her and my son and my step daughter all growing older. Happens whenever their birthdays come around. They are all Pisces.

I don't know if I'm really thinking about them or the child I could have had years ago that I didn't carry to term. Some things happen. I'm not sad over it but I think it is more about me and my age. Hey, it is my mind and I'm allowed to make it about me! I'm getting older. Obvious! If my kids are older, so am I. This year I would have a child turning 16. I've had conversations with M about that time in my life on occasion. She'd asked me once if I knew what the gender of that child was. I told her I was pretty certain the baby would have been a boy. I never once thought I'd have a girl when I was pregnant then. With M, I knew she'd be a girl. Same thing with W. I just knew he'd be a boy.

I've been thinking about whether or not I want more children. I love being a mom. I love having children as wonderful as mine are. Example, we had people over tonight to celebrate their birthday and the only seat left was an uncomfortable one but I took it not even thinking about it. My son, W, hops up and says, "Mom, have my seat, I'll sit here." My daughter, M, offered to keep me company at work last night knowing I was tired and not looking forward to the crew who were renting the place. The night did drag but was nice to have her with me. My youngest, E, helped out with dinner without asking. These are just simple ways I enjoy my kids.

Then I think about all the things I want to do. Wants. Definitely different from needs. I want to write. (I'm doing more of this). I want to get out with friends. I want to get away on vacations. I want to do more workshops and talks. All of these things a mom with older children can do with relative ease (meaning a great support system).

Having a baby, I'd want to be with him or her. I don't want to be a working mom who has to put her child in daycare. Been there, done that. Don't care for it. My preference. If I can have a choice, which at last glance, I believe I am the one in charge of my life - I do have a choice - I can be the mom I want to be.

So these thoughts have been on my mind. Friday comes and I get into my routine. My daughter heads out to school, my husband to work and my son off to his school. The youngest lives with her mom and comes every other weekend. I head out to my first client. I had a meeting after that. Then I stopped by M's school to bring her sushi for her birthday lunch. Then I had to meet with some teens renting out the hall I own. Then by my mother's quick to say hi to my son who was staying with her over night as I was working and going out with M for her birthday wish - a movie, Beastly which be still my beating heart, she wanted to see with moi!! Then off to two more clients, then to a town 30 mins away to pick M up from rehearsal.

We stopped off to get some candy at a local Walgreens. We pulled into the parking lot and I put my blinker on for the space I wanted while waiting for other cars who'd pulled in from the other side come down the lane. I waited patiently and then some woman ON HER CELL PHONE pulled right into the spot. I WAS LIVID!! M was afraid I'd make a scene. Know this - I only make scenes at home. We got our candy and left, walking past the car. I had one of those imaginary montages playing in my head where I keyed her car and slashed her tires. I didn't. I really am not that person.

Then the movie, where karma found us a parking spot right up front. A great flick and my niece was there too (I'll have to write about this another time), then home shortly, then back to the hall to discover it had been trashed. Soda everywhere. YUCK! Teens are gross. Gum all over the floor. My grandmother's spirit was screaming "CLOSE YOUR FREAKING MOUTHS WHEN YOU CHEW!!" in my ear as I scraped up the tenth wad off the floor. Then I finally got home about 1:30 or so. Asleep by 2 am.

It is now Saturday. Saturday finds me waking up at 6:30 because I'm thinking to myself, "You've got to get up because M has to get ready for her concert." M had a regional music festival to attend a couple towns over so we'd have to leave early to get her there...she's a teen, she needed beauty time. I needed a Starbucks run. Two times within 12 hours I headed out to a town I go to once a year IF that. There isn't much there to go for, but the high school has a great auditorium. I dropped her off and headed back to the hall for more clean up. Then home again to clean myself up, then back to watch the concert in the town I rarely go to but yet have been there and back three times now in eighteen hours.

The concert was great! My mother and I went and really enjoyed it. Well, we enjoyed it after we got inside. When we pulled into the parking lot, a lady was leaving, so after she pointed to where she was parked, I pulled around to it, as another car came around from the other side. I put my blinker on first but the woman sat there stubbornly shaking her head. The FURY I felt in that moment found me stepping on the gas and driving past her when I really wanted to just jump out of the car and start slamming on her car hoping to smash her window in. I didn't. I just parked in a different area, walking into the building and calming down ready to enjoy a concert.

The jazz ensemble of middle school students, 6th, 7th and 8th graders was amazing. I loved hearing my daughter sing. Even in the group, I could hear her. At one point most of the group stopped singing (they weren't supposed to) and a couple continued. I could hear her voice singing out. She's tall so they always put her in the way back.

After the concert, I attempted a nap. I managed a meditation. Thankfully. I just couldn't let my mind go. I don't know how to explain this. There is a glorious moment when I am prone on my bed under the covers, head nestled on the pillow, eyes closed. It is almost ecstasy for me. I am not exaggerating. I would totally put this on the same level as an orgasm. Not all orgasms but one that offers satiation. I feel as if I'm settling into a cloud, softly, gently, secure. I can let everything go. And I do. It really is euphoric. I'm happy. This feeling is memorable. Every time it happens, I think, YAY!!

While I love that feeling, it didn't happen then. I got up and went to work at the hall. We had a social dance booked and I work the soda counter. Its fun but long and drawn out. Plus I'm not a huge fan of country music and that's what they play. I don't mind it, but it isn't my favorite. I'd had a few moments of wanting to just freak out on people so I'm really proud that I made it through the night with no scenes (as I said, I save them for home). Thankfully I had a friend there to talk to as well. So did M.

We got home about quarter to 12. She went to bed and I snuggled with my hubby for a few. Then I went to bed. And yup. Got that feeling. I just gave over to it.

I slept late, I needed it. Probably still not quite enough sleep but better. I missed CBS Sunday Morning but oh well. Another Sunday. I had to open the hall again for another event. YAY! Busy weekends are good.

My mother and the hubby's mom came over for cake. It went ok but invariably my hubby will do something that will get on my nerves and sho'nuff...I snapped. The BITCH came out.

All that reading the other day and discussion I had with my mother about not reacting but moving the c in reacting and making it creating (same letters different word with different effects), went out the door. Time to work on that again.

REACTING - rearrange the C. This is CREATING. Creating is positive, helpful, moving forward - it is pure love. You don't create from fear. Reacting works with fear. I'm getting sleepy so my description isn't the greatest but Neale Donald Walsch - Conversations With God - this explains it better.

Even though I had been grumpy and snippy and okay, a bitch, the night ended well. The kids crashed early - CMTs tomorrow, the hubby crashed before everyone, the puppy is out too and I got to write.

Tomorrow is a new day. Stone cold sober, nope, stone cold sleepy, I end this day. The bitch is back - in her place, somewhere tucked away. She exists, I accept this. I'd just like to have a say when she comes out to play.

Sleep well.