FEEL NO PAIN

There`s no-one coming with that freedom train.
There`s nowhere you can go where you feel no pain.
Take the blinkers off you eye`s,
The power`s in your hand;
Stop waiting for your ticket to the promised land.

There ain`t no heaven and there ain`t no hell.
Except the one we`re in, and you know too well
There`s no-one waiting on,
Waiting on a higher high;
Don`t let the only world you`re ever gonna live in
pass you by. ~ UB40

If only it were true. Too feel no pain. Well today I'm not really feeling any pain. A couple days ago, not quite the case.

Thursday it started. I sat at my counter at the hall I own waiting for students to arrive to the Zumba Gold class we hold in the mornings. I had a fine morning so far, stopped into Starbucks, saw some friends and got to the hall and got to work. No one showed for the class. It happens. Sometimes we have a few, sometimes we have none. I don't get it but it is what it is. I'm not stressing over it. I'm putting in an ad for the Ballroom we have here this coming week and hopefully I can get one in for Zumba the following week. If I hit it a couple of times, maybe the word will get out.

I started to feel a pain in my right side near my back, as if I'd done some heavy lifting work or something recently, which I can promise I hadn't done. I ate some yogurt which was my breakfast and went home. I figured it was just a major gas bubble because it went away after I went to the bathroom.

I had cancelled my client that day because I just wasn't sure what was happening. I felt fine a few hours later.

Friday morning found me in excruciating pain at 5:30 am. My husband had gone on a business trip, aka skiing in Vermont. He did get work done though apparently. I got up took some Advil and put the heating pad on. So not the right thing because the pain was intense. I just got up and went to watch TV in the living room. By 8 the pain was still there so I cancelled the clients I had (only two) and went back to bed. The pain went away by about 10am. I saw my later client and went out with my friend L to see a play at the Long Wharf Theater in New Haven. The play, Agnes Under the Big Top, which you can see a write up about here: http://www.longwharf.org/agnes-under-the-big-top, was definitely interesting. Definitely a theme I can get behind: Hope.

I had felt fine all night. Got home and went to bed exhausted. Woke up at 9:30 - oh how I love to sleep in! Slowly the discomfort crept in. By 10:30 I was in pain. I called my doctor's office and left a message with the on call doctor. Twenty minutes later I told my husband I think I should go to the walk in clinic. I figured I'd have to go on my own. I didn't think he thought I would need someone to go with me. To my surprise he drove me. By the time we got in the car, I was in such pain I began crying. He said, we should go to the ER. So we did.

It felt like it took forever just to get to the hospital! Once there it went fast. They processed me and got me into a room. The doctor came in pretty quick and said he thought it was possibly a gallbladder issue but that they wanted to be sure. They'd give me pain medication (dilaudid) and thank god they did because I had no concept of what was happening beyond the pain I was feeling. Apparently we were waiting for people to come in from being "on call" to do the ultra sound and then CT scan. Once this was all completed we discovered two kidney stones about 2 millimeters in size. This is the equivalent of 0.078740 inches. A tiny m-fer. Two of them. Caused so much pain I cried a few times.

They sent me home to "pass" the stones. Nothing I needed to do other than take the pain medication and just drink lots of liquids. I was sleepy but for some reason I don't like being on pain medication so I don't sleep when I first get on them. I hung out with my husband and to be honest I don't know where the day went.

Something happened at one point and we got into a fight. I don't know what started it but I do know some of the things stated. I'm tired of it. I was out of it and being fought with. Some of it had to do with my being competitive (this came out because he's looking at new cars and assumed I'd want one too, oh and new phones and assumed I'd want a new one too). Finally I just had it. Something has snapped in me. I'm done fighting. I don't know exactly what that means but it does mean I'm done. I've decided to just do my own thing. I love my husband but there is a distance there now. I've got a call into a marriage counselor to see if I can find someone to talk to. I hope this helps. I really do want to stay married but I don't need the stress that comes from these arguments.

Sunday I was on my own most of the day recovering. I slept. Hubby was working on a commercial at L's house.

Monday came and I cancelled my class and client and slept. Tension between hubby and I is gone but the memory of what took place is still there. I think on some level he was scared about what happened and this was his reaction. I think also on some other level it wasn't about him so again he reacted. Yes, I do think this and if he hadn't mentioned his surgery while we were on vacation back in August of last year at least four times, I wouldn't have even once thought he was making it about himself. But he did. He mentioned it again when the kids got home on Sunday from their father's house and we told them what happened. Yeah, it irked me.

Monday also brought my "friend". It has been a ridiculous couple of days. Last night was nice. M & W & I walked to get something for dinner. I hadn't driven for a few days because of the pain meds. They made me a little loopy and dizzy. We had a nice night and I crashed pretty early after a conversation about how I'm not good at initiating sex. Um, yeah, again, timing and not even about me. I started to explain my thoughts and feelings and just decided to be quiet.

Today I'm chilling out. I had a student this morning, cancelled my one client, spent some time with my son who had a half day, ordered my hubby's phone which I did not get a new one of. Oh and he's gotten two new computers and I haven't. He's gotten all kinds of toys for hockey and I haven't. I'm not sure where he is getting this competitive thing but whatever. Part of me feels like throwing the phone at him when it comes in and the greater part just doesn't care anymore.

As I type this I wonder what my feelings really are. I spent the whole weekend and last two days waiting for the stones to pass. I wonder if I'm waiting for more to pass. I guess I should do as the song says and not let the world pass me by, which I think I have been doing. I'm not going to sit and wait for something to happen any more. I've been numb the past couple days, perhaps more we'll see.

I'M ONLY HAPPY WHEN...

I only smile in the dark
My only comfort is the night gone black
I didn't accidentally tell you that
I'm only happy when it rains
You'll get the message by the time I'm through
When I complain about me and you
I'm only happy when it rains

I'm only happy when it rains
I feel good when things are going wrong
I only listen to the sad sad songs
I'm only happy when it rains ~ Garbage

I'm only happy most of the time. One friend nicknamed me Mary-f'n-Poppins because I always find the good in things - just a spoonful of sugar truly does make all the bad go away. Another friend nicknamed me SuperCALYfragilistic a spin off the previous nickname mixed with another one I had for a long time. They fit. All of them. They still do to an extent.

This song played recently. It is raining and I'm in Starbucks with someone listening to music on their iPod rather loudly but I'm okay with this because it caused me to pause in my viewing of the raindrops on the pavement of the parking lot to look up the song. These lyrics are the antithesis of who I ultimately am. Though interestingly enough lately I do feel a bit like this. I'm not sad today. I'm quite happy. I feel like things are changing. A shift is about to commence.

What is the shift? I don't really know how to explain it. For years I've been studying everything that would make my whole life into a truly holistic lifestyle. I studied meditation, massage therapy, Reiki, philosophy, religion, psychology, counseling, and more. Yet for the last few months I've been anything but the relaxed person I'd been years ago when I was in massage therapy school. Granted I was getting a massage twice a week - but that can't be all of it.

I do know that for a long time I haven't been writing/blogging/whatever. I think somewhere along the way I got away from blogging because it had become so commercialized and monetized. I didn't feel this was me (so far but if I can make loads of what I write who knows!). The other component was time. Where would I find the time? And what to write about?

Well, it was the same as it always had been, write what is happening in the moment, write whenever you can, and ultimately write for you. If any one else reads it, great, if not, you've at least vented/escaped/created you name it!

So today is a perfect day to write. I'm snuggled into a faux velvet overstuffed chair poised so I can watch the eager customers enter for their cup of comfort or whatever this morning.

I'm off shortly to teach Tai Chi for the seniors and do a workshop for them on Mindfulness. This is what I love.

I may get a little wet as the world pours what some may see as misery down on me, but I look at it as a cleansing. One that I've needed for some time. Consider me in the process of re-awakening for the umpteenth time in my life. It just puts me one step closer to my ultimate destination - me.

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE!!

Welcome to the jungle
We got fun 'n' games
We got everything you want
Honey we know the names
We are the people that can find
Whatever you may need ~ Guns n' Roses

Tonight we watched Hangover with the kids. Perhaps not the best movie for my son to see but we talked about some of the scenes in the movie before he went to bed. What constitutes appropriate behavior: no taking drugs, don't drive drunk or under any influence, gambling is bad - if you lose, don't have sex in an elevator or public place, condoms are for safe sex not blowing up and bopping around the room with friends, don't marry a stripper you just met that night, you know, the "conversation".

The end of the movie comes up and they show pictures of what supposedly happened during the time in Vegas. Shots of them with Mike Tyson and Carrot Top, one guy throwing a punch at Wayne Newton, lots of topless women and major partying it up. My husband says, "I bet that kind of thing isn't really as outrageous as it sounds. There are probably lots of bachelor parties that end up like that." I just smile and nod in agreement while thinking, it isn't just bachelor or bachelorette parties that might get like that.

I've always been hesitant to go to Vegas. Why? Because I know something like the Hangover would take place. I have no doubt. I can just go to a club and something wild happens - going to Vegas?! I don't even want to tempt fate. I've learned what I'm capable of and have decided to stick within my comfort zone. This means limited drinking and partying. Funny for someone who now owns a rental venue where they have parties.

Here's an example. A few years back, 2004, I won a sales contest at the company I was working at. I didn't even realize I was registered for it. My boss pulls me in his office and says, "Guess what? You're going to the Superbowl in Houston!" I walked away from him and told him I didn't think his joke was funny and if he was upset still about the April Fool's prank I'd pulled on him earlier in the year, well, he should get over it. "No, you really won. You've got hotel, flight and one ticket to the game." One ticket. Apparently I and nine other people won. Only one other woman from a Canadian branch. She wasn't going.

I was. Hell if I was going to miss this opportunity. The company covered the flights and hotel. I just had to cover my travel into the city and meals. Easy enough. The flight down found me amongst the New England Patriot cheerleaders. I met a couple of people on the flight who had invited me to dinner that night. I went. I wasn't sitting in my hotel room all evening/weekend!

The same people invited me to an ESPN party at the aquarium in Houston the next day (Saturday). I hung out with them for a bit and went on to mingle on my own. I've never been one to be shy and sit against the wall amongst the other wilting flowers. I like to get into the thick of it. I perused the buffet table and met up with a gentleman who introduced himself as Desmond. "What a great name!" I said while we talked some more.

Later I ended up speaking with one of the guys from security for ESPN. After I get mowed down by Troy Aikman who has the audacity to look at me like I was the one who jumped out into his path (which he had about ten feet beyond me to get by me), the guard says, "So how do you know Desmond Howard?" I say, "Who?" He starts laughing and says, "I suppose you don't even know who just clipped you?" I said, "Well him I know, he was in the news for a lot of concussions." He says laughing, "Yeah among other things."

He then leads me on so I can meet another football player who is at a meet and greet that was just finishing up - Warren Moon! I was so excited. As a Vikings fan, I was very happy to meet him. There were other players there but none really registered.

The group I was with moved on to another event at a hotel downtown. As I'm walking this large black man I assume is a football player (size you know kind of gave it away) flirts with me. We only have a moment as he asks my name and he tells me his name is Michael before he is whisked off somewhere. That twit Aikman was there too again! Sheesh. I learn the next day before the game when I go behind the scenes of an ESPN pre-game show what his full name is. I find this out after meeting Steve Young, Chris Berman and someone else the name does not come to mind right now and the guy Michael I met the day before - Michael Irvin.

So Saturday night comes. We have an opportunity to go to another ESPN party or a Motown party. Um, I'd had about enough of the football players (former) for the day and was ready to par-tay! Caroline, the woman from the group I'd glommed onto and I went to the Motown party. I'm still not sure how we got in, probably a confusion with what took place when the attendant left her station. As we were standing at the entrance, a guy with this distinctive voice asks me, "Where's the attendant? Is this where we get in?" I turn my attention to him and look him over. Now he was shorter than me (but that doesn't say much I'm over six feet in heels) and a somewhat average looking African American. He smiles and introduces himself, "Chris." I chuckle, say, "Meghan" and then it hits me. He sees the light dawn behind my eyes and says, "Yes, Luda - Chris."

Then we all walk into the club together behind Beyonce. No I didn't meet her but I did get introduced to George Clinton who did an impromptu gig with the Funkadelics. Pretty cool.

Now I could go into more about the party and the Superbowl but I won't. Just like the saying What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas - What happens at the Superbowl stays at the Superbowl. I met the people and I entered the jungle!

YOU CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT

You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes well you might find
You get what you need

I went down to the demonstration
To get my fair share of abuse
Singing, "We're gonna vent our frustration
If we don't we're gonna blow a 50-amp fuse" ~ Rolling Stones

This is my house lately. A theme that is running rampant. You can't always get what you want, but you get what you need. Now to my children of course this isn't satisfactory. Nor to a Scorpio husband.

What a week! It started out rough and is continuing to be a challenge. I'm attempting to be open to the messages coming my way but I'm not sure what really is being said. Monday I posted my feelings and some of what is going on in my life. Tuesday came and it was just a long day. I worked late because we started a new class at the dance hall I own. It went over great! To me if more than five people show up for a class it is a hit. I was very happy.

I get home to be shushed as my daughter M and I come through the door. Glee was on the TV. Not sure this warranted my being shushed. I let it go and sat in silence until I went to bed exhausted. Noting a theme here yet? Tiredness is definitely there.

Wednesday comes and I'm woken up at 5:30 am by my husband whacking my arm. Now deep down I know he didn't mean to do this, he meant it to be softer. However, it startled me so much I flipped over thinking something was wrong and hurt his hand. He accused me of crushing his hand. I got up and went in the living room. I was pissed. Wednesday was about to be my really really long day.

Hubby gets up and starts in on M when she comes downstairs to go off to school. "Did you make your bed? Needs to be done every day. Shouldn't need to be said." As she sits down for a second to catch her breath before heading to the bus stop. "Good Morning, M." I say to make a point.

We get into it not much later. He says, "M has no concept of other people. She doesn't think about how her actions affect others. She leaves things around and just does what she wants." Now sure M is does these things at times. It certainly is not a normal occurrence for this straight A, award winning student (for respect of her peers and teachers). It actually sounds more like my husband.

The day goes on and I get a giant blunt object in my tire. I'm on my own once again to take care of something like this. I've had to take care of issues with the house on my own, car, businesses, children, etc. He's working or playing hockey so he can't. Um, did I mention that I own two businesses? Yeah. I don't work. <-sarcasm

I couldn't see some of my clients but got to the dance hall for the lessons that night and had a wonderful night. At one point, a teammate of my husband's comes in to say hi and tell me they have games next door that night. I knew this. He just wanted to wish me luck DJing since I was a little nervous and hadn't done it in a while.

My best friend V was there and I said, interesting how another person's husband who is very thoughtful to her is even thoughtful to me. Wonder if my husband will come by? Surprisingly he did. I think the teammate said something. I just don't see him doing this of his own volition. This is sad that I think this. He apologized for the fight we'd had that morning and said he'd think about the things he'd said. Usually this lasts a bit before we start up again. Obviously it wasn't to be.

Example, here it is Friday and what do I wake up to? My husband throwing everything in the children's snack drawer into a plastic bag - LOUDLY! As much of a racket he can make, he's making. Why do you ask that he is doing this so early? I forgot to get his sugar at the store yesterday but remembered to purchase snacks for the kids lunches. This is his M.O. He'll deny it or blame the M and W for teaching him this but it is all him. Lovely way to wake up at 6:15 am when I don't have to be up for a while and I've already had a rough week.

He goes on how the drawer is a mess and filled with junk food. Yes there are snacks in there but on the whole they are healthy snacks. Cookies notwithstanding. Everything else is healthy.

Just now I get, "You don't parent!" I realized in that moment that my husband equates parenting M & W as punishing, discipling, and holding them accountable for everything they do and say. I believe parenting includes these things to a point but includes so much more! He does the so much more with our youngest, his blood child as he refers to her. He rarely holds her accountable. Example, she was supposed to get homework done this weekend. She did none of it. He asked her if she'd done it and she said yes but is stuck on a couple problems. He tells her to get it and he'll help her with it. So he helped on a couple problems but had to get to his hockey game. I get up to help her with one and look at the paper and realize she did NOTHING on her own. At least two of the five problems were simple and she could have done had she sat down and read them through. I encouraged her to read through all of the problems and see which ones she could do on her own first.

I stepped away and mention in a nice way to my husband how she needs to learn how to get these things done on her own without everyone coming to her rescue. He nods his head as I say this in agreement. What does he do? He immediately goes into the dining room and helps her again. She had all of two minutes on her own. She'd even finished one of the problems all by herself. I get that he wants to be a part of her life and what she does but he doesn't truly help her by doing her work like he does. He doesn't let her make the attempts. He just stands there giving her hints, which is great but not for every problem. She has to learn to work it out herself.

This is exactly what he does with M & W though. They have to work it out themselves all the time. I'm tired of all this.

He's really pissed because he feels he's being neglected. So he's acting out. This is what it all boils down to. He's being a spoiled brat. He's not getting attention from me so he's taking it out on M & W because they get it. DUH! They are KIDS! He's a freaking adult and quite frankly when he behaves like this I don't want ANYTHING to do with him. I'm so hurt and turned off I don't even like being touched by him. It makes me really uncomfortable.

He slammed out the door saying, "Have a nice weekend." Okay. I will.

He says things like I don't parent and then says it isn't about you it is about M & W. Truth is, it isn't about them at all. It is always about him. It is about him not getting what he wants. Great. You can't always get what you want. I'm tired of the demonstrations and verbal abuse. I just don't know what to do though. I guess I do but I'm not sure if it is ultimately what I want.

LET YOU DOWN

What have I become?
my sweetest friend
Everyone I know
goes away in the end
You could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt ~ Nine Inch Nails

How do you not react to someone who just says things that get under your skin? How do you ignore passive aggressive comments that just seem to constantly be spewed forth day after day? What do you do when you feel (and quite rightly so because it is true) that your child is being picked on constantly by your husband who is her step-father? He's not malicious but it is enough to hurt her and in doing so hurts me.

I don't know how to explain this. Time after time, it comes up. I don't get why he feels the need to constantly "teach" or reprimand this honors student who gets awards for positive behavior and respect. She's very helpful around the house, she watches her brother when I need to work and is just an all around good kid. Yet, I don't think there is a day that goes by where he doesn't find some fault in her actions or behavior.

When we got together over five years ago, I told him, these kids - M & W - are my life. They come first for me. I was on my own at the time and did not have someone else in my life. I explained my belief as a parent. I am their guide, role model and caretaker. It is up to me to see them through these important years of their lives. He is a grown up and while I get he will need me as I will need him, it is in no way comparable to how these children need their parent. Now he gets this where E is concerned. No question. He does everything he can to be a positive, sweet, consoling, encouraging parent to her. Never does he comment on how she could do something better in a sniping or firm tone. It is always Disney sweet.

M & W see this and surprisingly they are not resentful of her for it. They truly love her and do not wish anything different for her. They do wish it were different for them.

That being said, perhaps sometimes I'm overly sensitive on this subject. M & W's father was very insensitive to they're feelings. He yelled, broke things and was just miserable. Sometimes I see something similar to this and those deep seeded emotions rise to the top. I had thought they were gone but I wonder if defending your children ever goes away. The need to defend them...I don't know.

Sometimes, I'm just tired. The complaint lately is that a toilet doesn't get flushed OR it is clogged. I agree this is gross. I've dealt with it myself a number of times, from each of the three children. Yet, the biggest perpetrator is the oldest. She often reads on the toilet and forgets to flush or by the time she does it becomes clogged. Then, my husband gets ripped over it and I feel the need to defend her. It is the way he goes about it. I really don't want to repeat this any more. I'm wondering if I should just step out of it and let him handle the situation directly with her? Do I trust him to be fair? Do I feel she'll be okay with it? I don't know the answer to these questions. I really don't.

Now take this weekend for instance, M's birthday was Friday. I don't really think he bothered to make it special for her in any way. She's been a part of his life for over five years. A good portion of her life anyway. Granted she was a way for most of it with her music festival but his focus was taking E skiing and W went too because he's got a snow board. He's been planning on taking E skiing for a while now because he'd asked a while back about what equipment she has over the phone one night. Now I'm sure he intended to include W but never did he even ask if M wanted to go. He did manage to get a couple pics of W though.

I love my husband a great deal. I have no doubts that he is a good man. I also believe he is very torn at times because when he looks at M, my guess is that he sees what he is missing with E. Therefore he needs to be that much more of disciplinarian with her. She's a teenager. She's potentially at risk. These are all comments I've heard. Sure she is, as all kids are, but don't show some love and nurturing and you push them away further. Kids need discipline but they also need to understand expectations but with love and caring behind it. He gets this with E. I don't understand why he can't do this with M & W other than the constant reminder I get from him "Its different with blood."

I find this a cop out. I have no problem showing E my love and nurturing side as well as my discipline and expectations. I get a tsk from him each time I do the latter. So perhaps it is his way of getting back at me for my reaction to him. I think I need to work on my reaction. I have to look to my behavior. This is the only thing I can control. This is perhaps the only way I can have it all.

I CAN BITCH BETTER THAN YOU...

I can bitch the best at your social dues
I get high in the evening sniffing pots of glue

I'm a bitch, I'm a bitch
Oh the bitch is back
Stone cold sober as a matter of fact
I can bitch, I can bitch
`Cause I'm better than you
It's the way that I move
The things that I do

I entertain by picking brains
Sell my soul by dropping names
I don't like those, my God, what's that
Oh it's full of nasty habits when the bitch gets back ~ Elton John

If I don't get a good night's sleep (10 hours minimum) I'm an absolute bear - a bitchy bear. I do my best not to get all UBER grouch on people but it doesn't seem to be one of those things my mind can keep at the forefront of itself. I work regularly at staying in the moment. In fact, I teach my clients and students this all the time - stay in the moment.

Staying in the moment allows you to create and truly participate in each and every aspect of what is taking place - in that moment. How many times have you sat at the end of the day and thought, "Where did the day go?" Or have you wondered, "where the time went?" When we're not in the moment, time becomes the thing we track, not the true essence of the experience. We miss out and all we have for it is the "time" that can be measured from when we got up from our slumber until we relax and settle back onto our beds signaling the end of yet another day. (For some day/night is relative and often job controlled).

So when I don't get the sleep I darn well know my body, mind and soul needs, I become a bitch. I snap, I pick, I tweak nerves, I pounce on the littlest indiscretions. My poor children. Nah, they got away with it this weekend. It was my dog. It seemed as if my sweet little demon puggle knew something was off. So what did he do you ask? Nothing other than attempt to be right at my feet ever second. I tripped over him left and right. He would be sniffing me if I stood up to leave the room and sniffing me as I returned. Does bitch have a scent? It must because he nosed it out!

What caused this lack of nightly re-energizing dormancy? Well, let's see. I got up about 5:30 am on Friday. Why? I don't really know. I didn't have to be up for another hour and a half. Could have been my daughter's birthday that got me thinking a lot? I don't know.

My oldest daughter (M) turned 14 on Friday. I guess I've been thinking a lot about her and my son and my step daughter all growing older. Happens whenever their birthdays come around. They are all Pisces.

I don't know if I'm really thinking about them or the child I could have had years ago that I didn't carry to term. Some things happen. I'm not sad over it but I think it is more about me and my age. Hey, it is my mind and I'm allowed to make it about me! I'm getting older. Obvious! If my kids are older, so am I. This year I would have a child turning 16. I've had conversations with M about that time in my life on occasion. She'd asked me once if I knew what the gender of that child was. I told her I was pretty certain the baby would have been a boy. I never once thought I'd have a girl when I was pregnant then. With M, I knew she'd be a girl. Same thing with W. I just knew he'd be a boy.

I've been thinking about whether or not I want more children. I love being a mom. I love having children as wonderful as mine are. Example, we had people over tonight to celebrate their birthday and the only seat left was an uncomfortable one but I took it not even thinking about it. My son, W, hops up and says, "Mom, have my seat, I'll sit here." My daughter, M, offered to keep me company at work last night knowing I was tired and not looking forward to the crew who were renting the place. The night did drag but was nice to have her with me. My youngest, E, helped out with dinner without asking. These are just simple ways I enjoy my kids.

Then I think about all the things I want to do. Wants. Definitely different from needs. I want to write. (I'm doing more of this). I want to get out with friends. I want to get away on vacations. I want to do more workshops and talks. All of these things a mom with older children can do with relative ease (meaning a great support system).

Having a baby, I'd want to be with him or her. I don't want to be a working mom who has to put her child in daycare. Been there, done that. Don't care for it. My preference. If I can have a choice, which at last glance, I believe I am the one in charge of my life - I do have a choice - I can be the mom I want to be.

So these thoughts have been on my mind. Friday comes and I get into my routine. My daughter heads out to school, my husband to work and my son off to his school. The youngest lives with her mom and comes every other weekend. I head out to my first client. I had a meeting after that. Then I stopped by M's school to bring her sushi for her birthday lunch. Then I had to meet with some teens renting out the hall I own. Then by my mother's quick to say hi to my son who was staying with her over night as I was working and going out with M for her birthday wish - a movie, Beastly which be still my beating heart, she wanted to see with moi!! Then off to two more clients, then to a town 30 mins away to pick M up from rehearsal.

We stopped off to get some candy at a local Walgreens. We pulled into the parking lot and I put my blinker on for the space I wanted while waiting for other cars who'd pulled in from the other side come down the lane. I waited patiently and then some woman ON HER CELL PHONE pulled right into the spot. I WAS LIVID!! M was afraid I'd make a scene. Know this - I only make scenes at home. We got our candy and left, walking past the car. I had one of those imaginary montages playing in my head where I keyed her car and slashed her tires. I didn't. I really am not that person.

Then the movie, where karma found us a parking spot right up front. A great flick and my niece was there too (I'll have to write about this another time), then home shortly, then back to the hall to discover it had been trashed. Soda everywhere. YUCK! Teens are gross. Gum all over the floor. My grandmother's spirit was screaming "CLOSE YOUR FREAKING MOUTHS WHEN YOU CHEW!!" in my ear as I scraped up the tenth wad off the floor. Then I finally got home about 1:30 or so. Asleep by 2 am.

It is now Saturday. Saturday finds me waking up at 6:30 because I'm thinking to myself, "You've got to get up because M has to get ready for her concert." M had a regional music festival to attend a couple towns over so we'd have to leave early to get her there...she's a teen, she needed beauty time. I needed a Starbucks run. Two times within 12 hours I headed out to a town I go to once a year IF that. There isn't much there to go for, but the high school has a great auditorium. I dropped her off and headed back to the hall for more clean up. Then home again to clean myself up, then back to watch the concert in the town I rarely go to but yet have been there and back three times now in eighteen hours.

The concert was great! My mother and I went and really enjoyed it. Well, we enjoyed it after we got inside. When we pulled into the parking lot, a lady was leaving, so after she pointed to where she was parked, I pulled around to it, as another car came around from the other side. I put my blinker on first but the woman sat there stubbornly shaking her head. The FURY I felt in that moment found me stepping on the gas and driving past her when I really wanted to just jump out of the car and start slamming on her car hoping to smash her window in. I didn't. I just parked in a different area, walking into the building and calming down ready to enjoy a concert.

The jazz ensemble of middle school students, 6th, 7th and 8th graders was amazing. I loved hearing my daughter sing. Even in the group, I could hear her. At one point most of the group stopped singing (they weren't supposed to) and a couple continued. I could hear her voice singing out. She's tall so they always put her in the way back.

After the concert, I attempted a nap. I managed a meditation. Thankfully. I just couldn't let my mind go. I don't know how to explain this. There is a glorious moment when I am prone on my bed under the covers, head nestled on the pillow, eyes closed. It is almost ecstasy for me. I am not exaggerating. I would totally put this on the same level as an orgasm. Not all orgasms but one that offers satiation. I feel as if I'm settling into a cloud, softly, gently, secure. I can let everything go. And I do. It really is euphoric. I'm happy. This feeling is memorable. Every time it happens, I think, YAY!!

While I love that feeling, it didn't happen then. I got up and went to work at the hall. We had a social dance booked and I work the soda counter. Its fun but long and drawn out. Plus I'm not a huge fan of country music and that's what they play. I don't mind it, but it isn't my favorite. I'd had a few moments of wanting to just freak out on people so I'm really proud that I made it through the night with no scenes (as I said, I save them for home). Thankfully I had a friend there to talk to as well. So did M.

We got home about quarter to 12. She went to bed and I snuggled with my hubby for a few. Then I went to bed. And yup. Got that feeling. I just gave over to it.

I slept late, I needed it. Probably still not quite enough sleep but better. I missed CBS Sunday Morning but oh well. Another Sunday. I had to open the hall again for another event. YAY! Busy weekends are good.

My mother and the hubby's mom came over for cake. It went ok but invariably my hubby will do something that will get on my nerves and sho'nuff...I snapped. The BITCH came out.

All that reading the other day and discussion I had with my mother about not reacting but moving the c in reacting and making it creating (same letters different word with different effects), went out the door. Time to work on that again.

REACTING - rearrange the C. This is CREATING. Creating is positive, helpful, moving forward - it is pure love. You don't create from fear. Reacting works with fear. I'm getting sleepy so my description isn't the greatest but Neale Donald Walsch - Conversations With God - this explains it better.

Even though I had been grumpy and snippy and okay, a bitch, the night ended well. The kids crashed early - CMTs tomorrow, the hubby crashed before everyone, the puppy is out too and I got to write.

Tomorrow is a new day. Stone cold sober, nope, stone cold sleepy, I end this day. The bitch is back - in her place, somewhere tucked away. She exists, I accept this. I'd just like to have a say when she comes out to play.

Sleep well.

I STILL WISH YOU THE BEST

And although there's pain in my chest
I still wish you the best with a
F*ck you, Oo, oo, oo ~ Cee-Lo Green

I'm one of those people who may get upset but moves on pretty quickly. Sometimes things get me down and I need to just vent and let it go. Other times, it sort of builds. I don't like it when it builds. It feels insidious. Great word. It even sounds evil. I can actually feel the energy build inside me. It starts as a small spark not warm like a flame but cold and dark. It increases like smoke with a spiral and spreads out. Tendrils of this insidious bad feelings meandering through my body...and mind.

Today was one of those days that just built more and more...insidious. It started with me getting up later than I'd intended. After 7am. I've been attempting to get up at 6am before everyone else to have some peace and quiet without the whole chaos of the morning routine invading my consciousness. I couldn't get myself up. Way too sleepy. I dragged myself to the couch to go through my normal wake up routine of easing into the day.

Being vaguely aware of my oldest heading out the door to school at 7:15am to catch her bus (I average two-three days per week thinking she hasn't even left yet, though it is almost 8 am), I get up to get ready for the day. My son staggers down the stairs and finishes his homework while my husband goes off to work.

After my son heads off to school, I head out to teach at the Senior Center to begin my Tai Chi class there. My car starts making some odd noises like its growling whenever I turn to the left. Plus my oil light comes on whenever I turn to the left as well. Weird right. Nope. I call the car place because of course I also need to get my emissions done as well to have them tell me oh that sounds like (insert something horribly expensive sounding here) and I probably shouldn't be driving it around too much. GREAT!

Thankfully my appointment following the class cancelled. Then I postponed my student after that because I had a feeling it would be a long eventful experience at the mechanics. I go there and drive the mechanic around a bit so he gets an idea of how truly crazy I am because the car doesn't make the sound until we finally return to the car place. He says it probably isn't as bad as they thought.

Yeah, an hour or so later they come out and say, you need to come look at this. I get shown how crappy my brake pads are and the clamp things that hold them as well as the roters being messed up too. Then there is some kind of bar that is a safety issue that needs to be replaced on both sides PLUS all of the belts need replacing. GREAT! How much? $900. But they did throw in the oil change for free, since I got snippy with them adding that in at the end saying, "REALLY?! It isn't as if I'm not spending a BOAT LOAD of money here already today!"

They gave me a loaner car and I went on my merry way. I just came home and got back into my groove of work. Yeah right. It was not working well. The phone wouldn't stop. This was a good thing but not for allowing for a little bit of breathing room and focus. I did not have any focus.

Finally my son comes home. Now I'm surprised because usually my daughter comes home before him so I had a moment of panic before I remembered she was staying later for practice for an event she has coming up this weekend. She's in a concert at a neighboring middle school. She's been attempting to get into this for the last three years. Finally this year she made it.

So my son comes in and says, "What's wrong with the car?" I said, "What do you mean?" He says, "You've got the loaner." I start laughing. He remembered the last time we got this loaner from the mechanic last summer. Same car. Not sure why he loves it. He said, "Wouldn't it be cool if our car could transform into this one and back again when we wanted it." Pretty cool.

Then I dropped him off at his fathers and then went about doing my errands that I needed to finish. I went to Walmart bought cute colored tablecloths. Then went to my mother's to visit and then went to the Hall to change out the tablecloths and meet with someone who wanted to rent it out. Great! This is a good great not a sarcastic one this time. It took forever to get the tablecloths all changed out. I discovered in the process that half of the ones I'd purchased last week were missing from the people who'd rented the hall this weekend. Talk about not happy. Then I stayed to get updated and give some updates myself

This took forever. I finally run home to get there in time for the kids to get dropped off. I don't know why I rushed. It isn't like their father can EVER get them home on time. To find my husband already home. GREAT! No call, no nothing to let me know he could be helping me out by being home by 7:30 when the kids get home. NOPE!

Enter the insidious feelings. They'd been building on and off all day. Right now I'm attempting to write because this is how I vent. I don't chitchat on the phone because my family says I'm always on it. At least with the computer I can say it is my work that I'm doing.

I miss writing and venting. Expect more of this. Now all of the evil nasty feelings are on their way out. All the positive happy, riding unicorns and pooping out butterflies good feelings can come back.

F*ck you...I still wish you the best.