IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RIDE

Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else. ~Jimmy Eat World

(I've always found this band name odd but this is just my opinion.)

This is my song for my oldest. It has been for many years. The music often plays in the background of my mind while I watch her at various occasions as she grows up and experiences new things. Tonight being one of them.

We'd been searching for well over a month for the perfect dress. One that would speak to who my daughter is today - part tomboy, part rocker chick, part intellectual, part mature teen, part girly girl (though this last one she'll deny but its a fact). A dress that wasn't too clingy, too short or too pink.

JC Penney offered up two dresses. The sale was too good to pass up so we got both. One a cute sun dress with thick straps, the other a short but not too short, purple metallic type strapless dress. The colors of the sun dress - teal, green, white and black - appealed to her much more as green is her "it" color right now and teal has always been a fave.

Fast forward a couple weeks to her step-sister getting a dress from the store she really wanted to get one from and the JC Penney dresses are no longer cool. K's dress made her look "sexy" according to my daughter. I had to do all I could not to comment on this statement. What my mind was screaming was, "OF COURSE IT DOES! She's on probation for SEXTing for criminy sake!" But I held my tongue. It still hurts from biting it so hard.

In the end, I did get what she meant. She felt her step-sister would once again be in the spotlight, regardless of it being for something positive or negative. What she doesn't get is that she is often in the spotlight herself, solos at concerts, superintendent's awards for academics, high honors and more. My daughter just doesn't feel like she gets attention for those things at her father's house. I hate this situation.

So we went shopping again. Finally after five stores, we stopped in Macy's. We'd looked at tons of dresses, finally finding this beautiful silver one. Silver but with a slight blue-ish hue. Cool. The neckline was in the sweetheart style. It looked sort of like this one:

Only M's fell a little more above the knee. We altered it a bit by adding a flower on the front and interestingly enough, a pink ribbon, and it turned out beautiful. I didn't get to see her put her whole look together until we got to the celebration. She had gone with her father, it being his weekend and I had her brother to take care of who had been running a fever for two days and was now better.

I found her across a sea of formally dressed girls looking like high schoolers already and boys who still looked like they should be in elementary school in their casual and somewhat relaxed outfits. She'd managed to pull off sophisticated, gorgeous and classic all in one. She out-shined not only her step sister but a number of her friends, not all, there were some girls who will give my daughter a run for her money in the maturity/looks/brains department. I had a few parents comment on how stunning she turned out.

So here I am, waiting for the people renting the hall tonight for a sweet 16 party to call to tell me they are done cleaning - and salivating at the idea of falling asleep yet still having to stay up, hearing this song play in the background of the replay of tonight's main event. It doesn't if its good enough for someone else...it mattered that she had the biggest smile and the brightest aura I'd seen on her in a long time.

She may be shifting from middle school to high school now but she's still in the middle - and I'm so glad to be here with her. I love you M.

MIGHT AS WELL BE WALKING ON THE SUN

Twenty-five years ago they spoke out and they broke out
Of recession and oppression and together they toked
And they folked out with guitars around a bonfire ~Smash Mouth

More than 25 years now, but wow what a difference! Back then, people rallied for causes they believed in, peaceful was their intent. Now, some rallies are peaceful, but woe to you if you do not abide those beliefs!

I'm amazed at the hypocritical comments and actions that abound these days. People just don't think before the words come out or the actions take place. Then judgments fly. If you haven't seen a judgment fly by you lately, just take a breath, open your eyes and ears and there will be one nearby.

Don't take this as a rant. It does not come from a place of anger or frustration. Merely an observation. I'm a Virgo, it is what we do, observe. We can be critical too, so I do my best to cushion my comments somewhat.

Yesterday, my mother was commenting on how she felt she was doing a world tour lately, a Polish bakery the day before, a Dutch eatery yesterday. I, looking out at the children across the street playing in a sprinkler said, "And you've come home to a Mexican water park." She looked at me mortified. I looked back and said, "Really, is that a bad thing to say? I'm not being malicious, nor condemning. They are Mexican and they've created their own play area with water." She said, "It isn't nice, that's all."

Please. I get commented on because I'm a woman, a mother, a GIRL. I listen to comments about my gender or role constantly. "Oh she's soft on the kids because she's a woman." (Ask the kids, not true, not harsh on them but not soft either - loving and firm combined). There are plenty more that people have heard that don't need me to repeat them.

I honestly don't even know where I was going with this commentary today but was compelled by the urge to write while listening to the Smash Mouth song. Kind of a strange song but in the end, I guess it does make sense. Stop rushing, stop missing the moment. If you're so busy focused on the past or the future, you might as well be walking on the sun.

THE LAZY BLOG

Today I don’t feel like doing anything
I just wanna lay in my bed
Don’t feel like picking up my phone
So leave a message at the tone
Cus today I swear I'm not doing anything ~ Bruno Mars

I had a request for another song from a previous blog however this is the one calling to me today. Sometimes it works out that the song brought to mind fits with the way the words want to flow, other times, it requires a bit of a shuffle through the Ipod to get an idea formulating - aka writers block.

Not so today. I'm wide awake and filled with wonderful energy. That being said, I don't want to do anything. I want to do everything and nothing all at the same time.

The weather is in a word glorious. The sky is brilliant blue with just a few translucent clouds here and there, nothing compared to the week and a half prior. The temperature hovers in the seventies with a refreshing breeze tinkling the chimes on the porch.

Speaking of sound, the high school band is practicing for their big march on Memorial Day and we in the neighborhood are getting a preview. They are actually quite good. The dog is certainly enjoying them though he wants to see them. He's running from the front door to the back where he can go out the doggie door to the back yard in desperate hopes to catch those noise makers!

I woke up this morning first around 5 and thought, Oh HELL no!, rolled over and promptly fell back asleep once again. Then about 6 something I opened my eyes and just wanted to be out of bed. Those who know me are dropping their jaws in shock right now. Yes, I did indeed want to leave my lovely place of slumber and no I didn't just move to the couch as I do most days. I got up, cleaned up, dressed and made up for the breakfast networking event I had to get up early for in the first place.

Speaking of bed - Sealy had this great commercial I saw on youtube for their mattresses. It has screen shots of couples in bed, with a satiated, happy look on their faces under the covers. The back ground music is repeating, "Just a little lovin' early in the mornin'". It fades to black with word Springs and a note saying, "For whatever you do in bed - Sealy supports it". LOVED IT!

Surprisingly, I enjoyed myself. I had forgotten how much I liked the social and informational component of these events. I definitely will be attending more. Speaking of which there is another one tonight! Yay!

I taught Tai Chi and Qigong this morning for the Seniors. I love teaching this class. They are just so sweet and wonderful and amaze me all the time with how active and fruitful their lives are after retirement.

My one appointment today canceled which was fine. It left me time to catch up on paperwork and then site back and listen to the lazy song. Not sure how it came to mind exactly.

I believe the train of thought started with the beautiful garden of flowers and plants I have outside. I've loved all the flowers and greens I have in the gardens but not nearly as much as the callas! I found calla lilies at a local store at a great price. One, a white with purple in the center, has green leaves with white spots on them - really funky looking. The other, a deep burgundy - wine colored, just jumped right out at me begging me to add them to my garden. You can see pics of what they look like in the beginning of this post.

I got outside and saw how beautiful the weather was and knew I'd have to take the dog for a walk, that led me back inside to the sound of my phone ringing. Fifteen minutes later, I was definitely distracted. If I had listened to the song I wouldn't have answered the phone. Lunch called. I made a yummy lunch of Golabki (or stuffed cabbage rolls) and then set to answering emails while I ate.

Once I got into answering emails, then I ended up on here. I've thought of a few other activities I enjoy on a Lazy day. I'm thinking I might go through a few of them. Meditating being one of them. And something else that starts with M. I might also catch up on the Oprah shows. I know it is all over as of today. I haven't watched much at all since my children were at home during the entire day. Now I catch it rarely because they are just getting in the door about that time. Priorities - children over Oprah - most days anyway. ;OD

And now, since I'm a girl and Beyoncé has just come on, I guess I RUN THIS MOTHER - and I'm out. Happy Lazy Day to you!

CHASING PAVEMENTS

Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere,
Or would it be a waste?
Even If i knew my place should i leave it there?
Should i give up,
Or should i just keep chasing pavements?
Even if it leads nowhere ~ Adele


Now this here song has a far different meaning than what I'm about to discuss in this here blog, chillin's! (Yeah, not sure why the crazy old country coot accent but the fingers went there.) I just found it to be the three perfect words.

Last October, I bought the family business. The family being my father and step-mother's dance hall. They opened this place about six years ago as of this past Saturday. It was a place for my step-mother to do her line dance lessons (which she got into after years of working construction, yes, I know what I wrote) as well as offer her a place to cook for the multitudes which she loved to do. Sunday dinners at my parents could feed an army or at least fifty people with leftovers. My father, once a professional radio DJ, would play the music for all the events. They had traveled around the state for many years doing mobile entertainment but finally decided to settle down in their own place.

My step mother died, three years ago this June. My father retired shortly after she died or before, I can't remember. All I know was that he'd spent years working 12-15 hour days to support this business. I thought it was because my step mother spent a lot of money (which was true) but I'm learning it was far more than that.

Last year and for some time before his final decision, my father had decided he wanted out. It wasn't his thing. He'd been withdrawing more and more. Politics keep him quite busy in town as well. He started mentioning back in July of last year that he was looking at the possibility of selling. It went in one ear and out the other.

Lets see, in July of last year, I was back in school...again. The Institute of Integrative Nutrition, for a certification in Health Coaching/Counseling. I had three children I was taxiing back and forth to camp and my own business of holistic health that I was involved in. Plus some other stuff I'm sure but these are the major ones that stick out.

Then August comes with our family vacation with my mother-in-law to Washington, D.C. where my husband has to have emergency surgery (not major, just same-day but needed to be done) at a hospital far from home. Not the best of vacations I can attest to but glad I was there to take care of him.

End of August comes and finds me and Dad sitting on my front porch. He says, "I'm selling the hall." I say, "Oh, do you have a buyer?" He says, "No, not yet." I sit for a moment, then say, "What about me?"

Yeah, what about me?! Ugh. I called my husband, he was all for it. Thought it was a great idea and opportunity. I talked with a friend who became an investor because she thought it was an amazing opportunity. Everything seemed to fall into place. And it did. I purchased it the end of September.

Then the shit hit the fan. I went to my niece's birthday party (a fitness lap dance party - yeah, this is my family remember!) then next door to the bar with a couple friends and my niece who's birthday it was, my other niece and my sister (my step-mother's daughter). The birthday girl decides to leave. The older niece gets drunk and proceeds to lay into me about purchasing the hall as if I had no right to do so. "Why didn't grandpa ask mom or anyone else?" Me: "Um, he did. It was no secret he was selling and they had opportunity to purchase." (She then went later on to call my father and have it out with him over his choice of buyers for the hall and he gave it right back which surprised me) Her: "I want a better relationship with you." Me: Nothings stopping you." (Haven't heard from her since)

Then she opened her mouth to begin to say something and I knew exactly what she was going to say..."Do you remember back when I was little and you were pregnant-" I stopped her right here. I knew. I couldn't believe she was talking about this. She was bringing up a conversation I had with my father FOURTEEN YEARS AGO!! When I was pregnant with my first child. I was desperate for some sign from my father that I was special. I certainly felt the other children were. Thus the bane of a child who doesn't live with her father. I said something to him that came out wrong. Little did I know he'd tell my sister who would become DEEPLY offended by it. Which I attempted to explain had really nothing to do with her. I'm pretty sure that solidified the rift between my step-sister and myself.

But here, fourteen years later, my niece who was not even there and was a little girl at the time, brings it up to me while she is drunk. I was livid. I went off on her and was disgusted with the situation. For her to bring it up meant my sister must have told her and told her recently. It must have had something to do with me purchasing the business. Me being my father's daughter and they weren't or something to that effect. Who knows the truth? I just realized that my sister is manipulative and not real. I haven't had much to do with her since. Same with that niece. I'm okay with this.

Moving on.

October, November and December were wonderful. I was in the RED with a brand new business!! I couldn't believe it! I shouldn't have.

January came with the storms. We were open a total of six days. Now I was in the black (in the hole and it was getting bigger and bigger). February came, not much better but a little bit more. My health wasn't spectacular but I got by.

March comes and the shit hits the fan. The business is doing well with bookings (hall rentals) but I get the kidney stones, hit by the car and just plain worn out. April starts to get better but I'm not able to work in my holistic health business much (no massages due to a sprained L4 disk) and money is tight.

Now here's May and the business is slow again. Thank God I can massage again to make some extra money! But it has me wondering if I'm just chasing pavements. Am I going to make money off this business or am I going to be working my ass off to make it work like it appears my father did? I don't think I realized this until now while I'm writing. He worked full-time and then some basically to afford having this business. I'm not sure how I go about making it flush.

I suppose I should add a codifier to this by stating today is a miserable rainy Monday after a somewhat lackluster weekend. Next weekend could be better. I have an opportunity to create a teen dance place but it will take some work. I'm thinking this should what I do asap to bring some money in.

I'm behind in my lease payments by a month. Not too bad but still. I don't know what I want at this moment. I keep thinking how nice it would to have my own office for massage and health coaching. How do I go about doing this? I don't know.

Oh, by the way, I just graduated from IIN and am now officially a certified health coach. I should be focusing on this because it will bring in a steady income, but I'm busy with the other business. How do I balance it all?

So this leads me to calling the doctor about getting back on Strattera for my ADHD. The new doctor I go to refused and then in a sickeningly sweet (this patient must be so insane) voice, the nurse informed me I need to see a mental health doctor. GREAT! Ah well. I guess I know who I'm calling today. ;O)

I'm in need of an assistant. This is totally what I need. I think I'll have to chase some pavements in this direction for a little while (if only in my mind)

Happy Monday

HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT

You come on with your come-ons, you don't fight fair
That's O.K., see if I care!
Knock me down, it's all in vain
I'll get right back on my feet again! ~ Pat Benatar


March. What a month. Let's just say 2011 has been interesting overall. January and February were a blur of white with all the snow and school cancellations which led to business closings too. Then we come upon March.

What can I say, I started the month filled with excitement of the hall being booked up all but two days. I also had a lot of positive momentum in other areas as well. Only a couple of down days where I just felt run down, not emotionally down. Yeah, there were some personal issues but nothing that can't be worked out in the long run.

Well, the physical came to a head last weekend. Sheesh, it seems so far away now. I love how time works like that. It creates a distance from an experience/situation like nothing else. You can drive away to put distance between you and that thing but I've found only time is the best resource.

So last weekend, actually it started last Thursday, the 24th. If you read the previous blog, you know I ended up with kidney stones. Two about the size of an eye booger. 2 Millimeters. I can't believe the amount of pain those f*ckers caused.

I took myself off the pain meds on Monday. I hated how I felt on them. Loved sleeping but now my sleep pattern is all out of whack. (Weird phrase out-of-whack). Tuesday came and went with minimal work. I had canceled my appointments that day too and went to work that night at the hall but left early because I was run down and sore. Wednesday I taught class in the morning, saw a client and then two others in the early evening. Ended up with a slight fever that night and went home early again.

Thursday. Once again, Thursday. The day started out nice and simple. I went to my son's parent teacher conference. Turns out he's just like me. Extremely smart and feels school is beneath him so why bother doing the work. Unreal. Sins of the father oops mother revisited. Ugh. He's doing well in school - A's and B's but without any effort. The teacher thinks he'd do well in a Magnet school so I have to look into that this week. It might be too late for next year. Hopefully there is an opportunity for him.

That night found me at the hall again. Covering the counter for the people who rent it for the night. The instructor needed someone to help out. So I went. I stayed until about 9pm, then headed out the the car. Carrying my briefcase and pocketbook, I walked out into the downpour of heavy snow and rain. YUCK! As I got a few feet from the door I watched a car out of the corner of my eye pull through an empty space heading toward me. I thought, "He doesn't see me." Now my business is right next door do a hockey rink. The same place my son played and husband still plays at.

As I think this, sure enough, he picks up a little speed, again just eased through the empty space and turns toward me. I picked up my pace enough to find myself on the driver's side but still in front of the car. I took the front of the car on my left side (opposite the briefcase with computer and pocketbook - priorities you know). I don't know how it happened but I managed to keep my feet moving while leaning against the front of the car and get beyond it without being knocked down.

It was all surreal. I can still see it, feel it, hear it, everything from that moment. It truly felt like what you watch in a movie. A part of me wonders if I wasn't pushed out of me by something so that something could be in control in that moment. I really feel like I viewed the whole scenario from outside of me.

I don't truly believe I was ever in danger of losing my life...major damage to my body, sure that was possible, probable even. Surprising that it didn't happen.

Oh and the poor guy. He was in shock too. He asked if I was okay. Sure I was but I was wet and upset and just wanted to get out of the rain/snow. I told him I'd be fine. I think at this point in my life I have a fairly good grasp on who I am, what my body is like and what not (the kidney stone incident doesn't apply here). I just wanted him to leave so I could put distance between me and the incident. He did. So I got in the car and cried. For a moment.

Then I drove home, shaking a bit. Knowing my husband and possibly the kids would be up. M was sitting with my husband. He was on the computer, she was watching TV. W had gone to bed. I went directly to the bathroom to see what I looked like and if I had any bruises. Nope, just wet.

I went back into the living room, sat down and said, "Um, so I was just hit by a car while I walked out of the hall to my car." M was concerned, hubby to a small extent but was caught up with something on the pc and obviously if I was there telling the story I must have been ok.

I put M to bed and said goodnight to W who was still up. Then my husband asked me how I was. I told him shook up. It was definitely a shock.

No black and blues but very sore body. My right knee is bothering me but I think it is a re-injuring of an old issue. I'll deal with it.

I've gone about my weekend and once again my sleep is off. I decided to get up and write it all out. There is much more that just has to do with family drama but for now I figured I'd get this out of my system.

I am fine. I survived two kidney stones and getting hit by a car all in one week. I can't help but laugh. March is done. April is here. So far so good. I do admit, I'm nervous while walking in a parking lot. Especially if I see a bright blue car. I'll be on guard for a while I suppose.

I didn't get knocked down. I'm still standing. Oooh a new song, I'll leave you with this:

Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind

I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah ~ Elton John

FEEL NO PAIN

There`s no-one coming with that freedom train.
There`s nowhere you can go where you feel no pain.
Take the blinkers off you eye`s,
The power`s in your hand;
Stop waiting for your ticket to the promised land.

There ain`t no heaven and there ain`t no hell.
Except the one we`re in, and you know too well
There`s no-one waiting on,
Waiting on a higher high;
Don`t let the only world you`re ever gonna live in
pass you by. ~ UB40

If only it were true. Too feel no pain. Well today I'm not really feeling any pain. A couple days ago, not quite the case.

Thursday it started. I sat at my counter at the hall I own waiting for students to arrive to the Zumba Gold class we hold in the mornings. I had a fine morning so far, stopped into Starbucks, saw some friends and got to the hall and got to work. No one showed for the class. It happens. Sometimes we have a few, sometimes we have none. I don't get it but it is what it is. I'm not stressing over it. I'm putting in an ad for the Ballroom we have here this coming week and hopefully I can get one in for Zumba the following week. If I hit it a couple of times, maybe the word will get out.

I started to feel a pain in my right side near my back, as if I'd done some heavy lifting work or something recently, which I can promise I hadn't done. I ate some yogurt which was my breakfast and went home. I figured it was just a major gas bubble because it went away after I went to the bathroom.

I had cancelled my client that day because I just wasn't sure what was happening. I felt fine a few hours later.

Friday morning found me in excruciating pain at 5:30 am. My husband had gone on a business trip, aka skiing in Vermont. He did get work done though apparently. I got up took some Advil and put the heating pad on. So not the right thing because the pain was intense. I just got up and went to watch TV in the living room. By 8 the pain was still there so I cancelled the clients I had (only two) and went back to bed. The pain went away by about 10am. I saw my later client and went out with my friend L to see a play at the Long Wharf Theater in New Haven. The play, Agnes Under the Big Top, which you can see a write up about here: http://www.longwharf.org/agnes-under-the-big-top, was definitely interesting. Definitely a theme I can get behind: Hope.

I had felt fine all night. Got home and went to bed exhausted. Woke up at 9:30 - oh how I love to sleep in! Slowly the discomfort crept in. By 10:30 I was in pain. I called my doctor's office and left a message with the on call doctor. Twenty minutes later I told my husband I think I should go to the walk in clinic. I figured I'd have to go on my own. I didn't think he thought I would need someone to go with me. To my surprise he drove me. By the time we got in the car, I was in such pain I began crying. He said, we should go to the ER. So we did.

It felt like it took forever just to get to the hospital! Once there it went fast. They processed me and got me into a room. The doctor came in pretty quick and said he thought it was possibly a gallbladder issue but that they wanted to be sure. They'd give me pain medication (dilaudid) and thank god they did because I had no concept of what was happening beyond the pain I was feeling. Apparently we were waiting for people to come in from being "on call" to do the ultra sound and then CT scan. Once this was all completed we discovered two kidney stones about 2 millimeters in size. This is the equivalent of 0.078740 inches. A tiny m-fer. Two of them. Caused so much pain I cried a few times.

They sent me home to "pass" the stones. Nothing I needed to do other than take the pain medication and just drink lots of liquids. I was sleepy but for some reason I don't like being on pain medication so I don't sleep when I first get on them. I hung out with my husband and to be honest I don't know where the day went.

Something happened at one point and we got into a fight. I don't know what started it but I do know some of the things stated. I'm tired of it. I was out of it and being fought with. Some of it had to do with my being competitive (this came out because he's looking at new cars and assumed I'd want one too, oh and new phones and assumed I'd want a new one too). Finally I just had it. Something has snapped in me. I'm done fighting. I don't know exactly what that means but it does mean I'm done. I've decided to just do my own thing. I love my husband but there is a distance there now. I've got a call into a marriage counselor to see if I can find someone to talk to. I hope this helps. I really do want to stay married but I don't need the stress that comes from these arguments.

Sunday I was on my own most of the day recovering. I slept. Hubby was working on a commercial at L's house.

Monday came and I cancelled my class and client and slept. Tension between hubby and I is gone but the memory of what took place is still there. I think on some level he was scared about what happened and this was his reaction. I think also on some other level it wasn't about him so again he reacted. Yes, I do think this and if he hadn't mentioned his surgery while we were on vacation back in August of last year at least four times, I wouldn't have even once thought he was making it about himself. But he did. He mentioned it again when the kids got home on Sunday from their father's house and we told them what happened. Yeah, it irked me.

Monday also brought my "friend". It has been a ridiculous couple of days. Last night was nice. M & W & I walked to get something for dinner. I hadn't driven for a few days because of the pain meds. They made me a little loopy and dizzy. We had a nice night and I crashed pretty early after a conversation about how I'm not good at initiating sex. Um, yeah, again, timing and not even about me. I started to explain my thoughts and feelings and just decided to be quiet.

Today I'm chilling out. I had a student this morning, cancelled my one client, spent some time with my son who had a half day, ordered my hubby's phone which I did not get a new one of. Oh and he's gotten two new computers and I haven't. He's gotten all kinds of toys for hockey and I haven't. I'm not sure where he is getting this competitive thing but whatever. Part of me feels like throwing the phone at him when it comes in and the greater part just doesn't care anymore.

As I type this I wonder what my feelings really are. I spent the whole weekend and last two days waiting for the stones to pass. I wonder if I'm waiting for more to pass. I guess I should do as the song says and not let the world pass me by, which I think I have been doing. I'm not going to sit and wait for something to happen any more. I've been numb the past couple days, perhaps more we'll see.

I'M ONLY HAPPY WHEN...

I only smile in the dark
My only comfort is the night gone black
I didn't accidentally tell you that
I'm only happy when it rains
You'll get the message by the time I'm through
When I complain about me and you
I'm only happy when it rains

I'm only happy when it rains
I feel good when things are going wrong
I only listen to the sad sad songs
I'm only happy when it rains ~ Garbage

I'm only happy most of the time. One friend nicknamed me Mary-f'n-Poppins because I always find the good in things - just a spoonful of sugar truly does make all the bad go away. Another friend nicknamed me SuperCALYfragilistic a spin off the previous nickname mixed with another one I had for a long time. They fit. All of them. They still do to an extent.

This song played recently. It is raining and I'm in Starbucks with someone listening to music on their iPod rather loudly but I'm okay with this because it caused me to pause in my viewing of the raindrops on the pavement of the parking lot to look up the song. These lyrics are the antithesis of who I ultimately am. Though interestingly enough lately I do feel a bit like this. I'm not sad today. I'm quite happy. I feel like things are changing. A shift is about to commence.

What is the shift? I don't really know how to explain it. For years I've been studying everything that would make my whole life into a truly holistic lifestyle. I studied meditation, massage therapy, Reiki, philosophy, religion, psychology, counseling, and more. Yet for the last few months I've been anything but the relaxed person I'd been years ago when I was in massage therapy school. Granted I was getting a massage twice a week - but that can't be all of it.

I do know that for a long time I haven't been writing/blogging/whatever. I think somewhere along the way I got away from blogging because it had become so commercialized and monetized. I didn't feel this was me (so far but if I can make loads of what I write who knows!). The other component was time. Where would I find the time? And what to write about?

Well, it was the same as it always had been, write what is happening in the moment, write whenever you can, and ultimately write for you. If any one else reads it, great, if not, you've at least vented/escaped/created you name it!

So today is a perfect day to write. I'm snuggled into a faux velvet overstuffed chair poised so I can watch the eager customers enter for their cup of comfort or whatever this morning.

I'm off shortly to teach Tai Chi for the seniors and do a workshop for them on Mindfulness. This is what I love.

I may get a little wet as the world pours what some may see as misery down on me, but I look at it as a cleansing. One that I've needed for some time. Consider me in the process of re-awakening for the umpteenth time in my life. It just puts me one step closer to my ultimate destination - me.

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE!!

Welcome to the jungle
We got fun 'n' games
We got everything you want
Honey we know the names
We are the people that can find
Whatever you may need ~ Guns n' Roses

Tonight we watched Hangover with the kids. Perhaps not the best movie for my son to see but we talked about some of the scenes in the movie before he went to bed. What constitutes appropriate behavior: no taking drugs, don't drive drunk or under any influence, gambling is bad - if you lose, don't have sex in an elevator or public place, condoms are for safe sex not blowing up and bopping around the room with friends, don't marry a stripper you just met that night, you know, the "conversation".

The end of the movie comes up and they show pictures of what supposedly happened during the time in Vegas. Shots of them with Mike Tyson and Carrot Top, one guy throwing a punch at Wayne Newton, lots of topless women and major partying it up. My husband says, "I bet that kind of thing isn't really as outrageous as it sounds. There are probably lots of bachelor parties that end up like that." I just smile and nod in agreement while thinking, it isn't just bachelor or bachelorette parties that might get like that.

I've always been hesitant to go to Vegas. Why? Because I know something like the Hangover would take place. I have no doubt. I can just go to a club and something wild happens - going to Vegas?! I don't even want to tempt fate. I've learned what I'm capable of and have decided to stick within my comfort zone. This means limited drinking and partying. Funny for someone who now owns a rental venue where they have parties.

Here's an example. A few years back, 2004, I won a sales contest at the company I was working at. I didn't even realize I was registered for it. My boss pulls me in his office and says, "Guess what? You're going to the Superbowl in Houston!" I walked away from him and told him I didn't think his joke was funny and if he was upset still about the April Fool's prank I'd pulled on him earlier in the year, well, he should get over it. "No, you really won. You've got hotel, flight and one ticket to the game." One ticket. Apparently I and nine other people won. Only one other woman from a Canadian branch. She wasn't going.

I was. Hell if I was going to miss this opportunity. The company covered the flights and hotel. I just had to cover my travel into the city and meals. Easy enough. The flight down found me amongst the New England Patriot cheerleaders. I met a couple of people on the flight who had invited me to dinner that night. I went. I wasn't sitting in my hotel room all evening/weekend!

The same people invited me to an ESPN party at the aquarium in Houston the next day (Saturday). I hung out with them for a bit and went on to mingle on my own. I've never been one to be shy and sit against the wall amongst the other wilting flowers. I like to get into the thick of it. I perused the buffet table and met up with a gentleman who introduced himself as Desmond. "What a great name!" I said while we talked some more.

Later I ended up speaking with one of the guys from security for ESPN. After I get mowed down by Troy Aikman who has the audacity to look at me like I was the one who jumped out into his path (which he had about ten feet beyond me to get by me), the guard says, "So how do you know Desmond Howard?" I say, "Who?" He starts laughing and says, "I suppose you don't even know who just clipped you?" I said, "Well him I know, he was in the news for a lot of concussions." He says laughing, "Yeah among other things."

He then leads me on so I can meet another football player who is at a meet and greet that was just finishing up - Warren Moon! I was so excited. As a Vikings fan, I was very happy to meet him. There were other players there but none really registered.

The group I was with moved on to another event at a hotel downtown. As I'm walking this large black man I assume is a football player (size you know kind of gave it away) flirts with me. We only have a moment as he asks my name and he tells me his name is Michael before he is whisked off somewhere. That twit Aikman was there too again! Sheesh. I learn the next day before the game when I go behind the scenes of an ESPN pre-game show what his full name is. I find this out after meeting Steve Young, Chris Berman and someone else the name does not come to mind right now and the guy Michael I met the day before - Michael Irvin.

So Saturday night comes. We have an opportunity to go to another ESPN party or a Motown party. Um, I'd had about enough of the football players (former) for the day and was ready to par-tay! Caroline, the woman from the group I'd glommed onto and I went to the Motown party. I'm still not sure how we got in, probably a confusion with what took place when the attendant left her station. As we were standing at the entrance, a guy with this distinctive voice asks me, "Where's the attendant? Is this where we get in?" I turn my attention to him and look him over. Now he was shorter than me (but that doesn't say much I'm over six feet in heels) and a somewhat average looking African American. He smiles and introduces himself, "Chris." I chuckle, say, "Meghan" and then it hits me. He sees the light dawn behind my eyes and says, "Yes, Luda - Chris."

Then we all walk into the club together behind Beyonce. No I didn't meet her but I did get introduced to George Clinton who did an impromptu gig with the Funkadelics. Pretty cool.

Now I could go into more about the party and the Superbowl but I won't. Just like the saying What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas - What happens at the Superbowl stays at the Superbowl. I met the people and I entered the jungle!

YOU CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT

You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes well you might find
You get what you need

I went down to the demonstration
To get my fair share of abuse
Singing, "We're gonna vent our frustration
If we don't we're gonna blow a 50-amp fuse" ~ Rolling Stones

This is my house lately. A theme that is running rampant. You can't always get what you want, but you get what you need. Now to my children of course this isn't satisfactory. Nor to a Scorpio husband.

What a week! It started out rough and is continuing to be a challenge. I'm attempting to be open to the messages coming my way but I'm not sure what really is being said. Monday I posted my feelings and some of what is going on in my life. Tuesday came and it was just a long day. I worked late because we started a new class at the dance hall I own. It went over great! To me if more than five people show up for a class it is a hit. I was very happy.

I get home to be shushed as my daughter M and I come through the door. Glee was on the TV. Not sure this warranted my being shushed. I let it go and sat in silence until I went to bed exhausted. Noting a theme here yet? Tiredness is definitely there.

Wednesday comes and I'm woken up at 5:30 am by my husband whacking my arm. Now deep down I know he didn't mean to do this, he meant it to be softer. However, it startled me so much I flipped over thinking something was wrong and hurt his hand. He accused me of crushing his hand. I got up and went in the living room. I was pissed. Wednesday was about to be my really really long day.

Hubby gets up and starts in on M when she comes downstairs to go off to school. "Did you make your bed? Needs to be done every day. Shouldn't need to be said." As she sits down for a second to catch her breath before heading to the bus stop. "Good Morning, M." I say to make a point.

We get into it not much later. He says, "M has no concept of other people. She doesn't think about how her actions affect others. She leaves things around and just does what she wants." Now sure M is does these things at times. It certainly is not a normal occurrence for this straight A, award winning student (for respect of her peers and teachers). It actually sounds more like my husband.

The day goes on and I get a giant blunt object in my tire. I'm on my own once again to take care of something like this. I've had to take care of issues with the house on my own, car, businesses, children, etc. He's working or playing hockey so he can't. Um, did I mention that I own two businesses? Yeah. I don't work. <-sarcasm

I couldn't see some of my clients but got to the dance hall for the lessons that night and had a wonderful night. At one point, a teammate of my husband's comes in to say hi and tell me they have games next door that night. I knew this. He just wanted to wish me luck DJing since I was a little nervous and hadn't done it in a while.

My best friend V was there and I said, interesting how another person's husband who is very thoughtful to her is even thoughtful to me. Wonder if my husband will come by? Surprisingly he did. I think the teammate said something. I just don't see him doing this of his own volition. This is sad that I think this. He apologized for the fight we'd had that morning and said he'd think about the things he'd said. Usually this lasts a bit before we start up again. Obviously it wasn't to be.

Example, here it is Friday and what do I wake up to? My husband throwing everything in the children's snack drawer into a plastic bag - LOUDLY! As much of a racket he can make, he's making. Why do you ask that he is doing this so early? I forgot to get his sugar at the store yesterday but remembered to purchase snacks for the kids lunches. This is his M.O. He'll deny it or blame the M and W for teaching him this but it is all him. Lovely way to wake up at 6:15 am when I don't have to be up for a while and I've already had a rough week.

He goes on how the drawer is a mess and filled with junk food. Yes there are snacks in there but on the whole they are healthy snacks. Cookies notwithstanding. Everything else is healthy.

Just now I get, "You don't parent!" I realized in that moment that my husband equates parenting M & W as punishing, discipling, and holding them accountable for everything they do and say. I believe parenting includes these things to a point but includes so much more! He does the so much more with our youngest, his blood child as he refers to her. He rarely holds her accountable. Example, she was supposed to get homework done this weekend. She did none of it. He asked her if she'd done it and she said yes but is stuck on a couple problems. He tells her to get it and he'll help her with it. So he helped on a couple problems but had to get to his hockey game. I get up to help her with one and look at the paper and realize she did NOTHING on her own. At least two of the five problems were simple and she could have done had she sat down and read them through. I encouraged her to read through all of the problems and see which ones she could do on her own first.

I stepped away and mention in a nice way to my husband how she needs to learn how to get these things done on her own without everyone coming to her rescue. He nods his head as I say this in agreement. What does he do? He immediately goes into the dining room and helps her again. She had all of two minutes on her own. She'd even finished one of the problems all by herself. I get that he wants to be a part of her life and what she does but he doesn't truly help her by doing her work like he does. He doesn't let her make the attempts. He just stands there giving her hints, which is great but not for every problem. She has to learn to work it out herself.

This is exactly what he does with M & W though. They have to work it out themselves all the time. I'm tired of all this.

He's really pissed because he feels he's being neglected. So he's acting out. This is what it all boils down to. He's being a spoiled brat. He's not getting attention from me so he's taking it out on M & W because they get it. DUH! They are KIDS! He's a freaking adult and quite frankly when he behaves like this I don't want ANYTHING to do with him. I'm so hurt and turned off I don't even like being touched by him. It makes me really uncomfortable.

He slammed out the door saying, "Have a nice weekend." Okay. I will.

He says things like I don't parent and then says it isn't about you it is about M & W. Truth is, it isn't about them at all. It is always about him. It is about him not getting what he wants. Great. You can't always get what you want. I'm tired of the demonstrations and verbal abuse. I just don't know what to do though. I guess I do but I'm not sure if it is ultimately what I want.

LET YOU DOWN

What have I become?
my sweetest friend
Everyone I know
goes away in the end
You could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt ~ Nine Inch Nails

How do you not react to someone who just says things that get under your skin? How do you ignore passive aggressive comments that just seem to constantly be spewed forth day after day? What do you do when you feel (and quite rightly so because it is true) that your child is being picked on constantly by your husband who is her step-father? He's not malicious but it is enough to hurt her and in doing so hurts me.

I don't know how to explain this. Time after time, it comes up. I don't get why he feels the need to constantly "teach" or reprimand this honors student who gets awards for positive behavior and respect. She's very helpful around the house, she watches her brother when I need to work and is just an all around good kid. Yet, I don't think there is a day that goes by where he doesn't find some fault in her actions or behavior.

When we got together over five years ago, I told him, these kids - M & W - are my life. They come first for me. I was on my own at the time and did not have someone else in my life. I explained my belief as a parent. I am their guide, role model and caretaker. It is up to me to see them through these important years of their lives. He is a grown up and while I get he will need me as I will need him, it is in no way comparable to how these children need their parent. Now he gets this where E is concerned. No question. He does everything he can to be a positive, sweet, consoling, encouraging parent to her. Never does he comment on how she could do something better in a sniping or firm tone. It is always Disney sweet.

M & W see this and surprisingly they are not resentful of her for it. They truly love her and do not wish anything different for her. They do wish it were different for them.

That being said, perhaps sometimes I'm overly sensitive on this subject. M & W's father was very insensitive to they're feelings. He yelled, broke things and was just miserable. Sometimes I see something similar to this and those deep seeded emotions rise to the top. I had thought they were gone but I wonder if defending your children ever goes away. The need to defend them...I don't know.

Sometimes, I'm just tired. The complaint lately is that a toilet doesn't get flushed OR it is clogged. I agree this is gross. I've dealt with it myself a number of times, from each of the three children. Yet, the biggest perpetrator is the oldest. She often reads on the toilet and forgets to flush or by the time she does it becomes clogged. Then, my husband gets ripped over it and I feel the need to defend her. It is the way he goes about it. I really don't want to repeat this any more. I'm wondering if I should just step out of it and let him handle the situation directly with her? Do I trust him to be fair? Do I feel she'll be okay with it? I don't know the answer to these questions. I really don't.

Now take this weekend for instance, M's birthday was Friday. I don't really think he bothered to make it special for her in any way. She's been a part of his life for over five years. A good portion of her life anyway. Granted she was a way for most of it with her music festival but his focus was taking E skiing and W went too because he's got a snow board. He's been planning on taking E skiing for a while now because he'd asked a while back about what equipment she has over the phone one night. Now I'm sure he intended to include W but never did he even ask if M wanted to go. He did manage to get a couple pics of W though.

I love my husband a great deal. I have no doubts that he is a good man. I also believe he is very torn at times because when he looks at M, my guess is that he sees what he is missing with E. Therefore he needs to be that much more of disciplinarian with her. She's a teenager. She's potentially at risk. These are all comments I've heard. Sure she is, as all kids are, but don't show some love and nurturing and you push them away further. Kids need discipline but they also need to understand expectations but with love and caring behind it. He gets this with E. I don't understand why he can't do this with M & W other than the constant reminder I get from him "Its different with blood."

I find this a cop out. I have no problem showing E my love and nurturing side as well as my discipline and expectations. I get a tsk from him each time I do the latter. So perhaps it is his way of getting back at me for my reaction to him. I think I need to work on my reaction. I have to look to my behavior. This is the only thing I can control. This is perhaps the only way I can have it all.

I CAN BITCH BETTER THAN YOU...

I can bitch the best at your social dues
I get high in the evening sniffing pots of glue

I'm a bitch, I'm a bitch
Oh the bitch is back
Stone cold sober as a matter of fact
I can bitch, I can bitch
`Cause I'm better than you
It's the way that I move
The things that I do

I entertain by picking brains
Sell my soul by dropping names
I don't like those, my God, what's that
Oh it's full of nasty habits when the bitch gets back ~ Elton John

If I don't get a good night's sleep (10 hours minimum) I'm an absolute bear - a bitchy bear. I do my best not to get all UBER grouch on people but it doesn't seem to be one of those things my mind can keep at the forefront of itself. I work regularly at staying in the moment. In fact, I teach my clients and students this all the time - stay in the moment.

Staying in the moment allows you to create and truly participate in each and every aspect of what is taking place - in that moment. How many times have you sat at the end of the day and thought, "Where did the day go?" Or have you wondered, "where the time went?" When we're not in the moment, time becomes the thing we track, not the true essence of the experience. We miss out and all we have for it is the "time" that can be measured from when we got up from our slumber until we relax and settle back onto our beds signaling the end of yet another day. (For some day/night is relative and often job controlled).

So when I don't get the sleep I darn well know my body, mind and soul needs, I become a bitch. I snap, I pick, I tweak nerves, I pounce on the littlest indiscretions. My poor children. Nah, they got away with it this weekend. It was my dog. It seemed as if my sweet little demon puggle knew something was off. So what did he do you ask? Nothing other than attempt to be right at my feet ever second. I tripped over him left and right. He would be sniffing me if I stood up to leave the room and sniffing me as I returned. Does bitch have a scent? It must because he nosed it out!

What caused this lack of nightly re-energizing dormancy? Well, let's see. I got up about 5:30 am on Friday. Why? I don't really know. I didn't have to be up for another hour and a half. Could have been my daughter's birthday that got me thinking a lot? I don't know.

My oldest daughter (M) turned 14 on Friday. I guess I've been thinking a lot about her and my son and my step daughter all growing older. Happens whenever their birthdays come around. They are all Pisces.

I don't know if I'm really thinking about them or the child I could have had years ago that I didn't carry to term. Some things happen. I'm not sad over it but I think it is more about me and my age. Hey, it is my mind and I'm allowed to make it about me! I'm getting older. Obvious! If my kids are older, so am I. This year I would have a child turning 16. I've had conversations with M about that time in my life on occasion. She'd asked me once if I knew what the gender of that child was. I told her I was pretty certain the baby would have been a boy. I never once thought I'd have a girl when I was pregnant then. With M, I knew she'd be a girl. Same thing with W. I just knew he'd be a boy.

I've been thinking about whether or not I want more children. I love being a mom. I love having children as wonderful as mine are. Example, we had people over tonight to celebrate their birthday and the only seat left was an uncomfortable one but I took it not even thinking about it. My son, W, hops up and says, "Mom, have my seat, I'll sit here." My daughter, M, offered to keep me company at work last night knowing I was tired and not looking forward to the crew who were renting the place. The night did drag but was nice to have her with me. My youngest, E, helped out with dinner without asking. These are just simple ways I enjoy my kids.

Then I think about all the things I want to do. Wants. Definitely different from needs. I want to write. (I'm doing more of this). I want to get out with friends. I want to get away on vacations. I want to do more workshops and talks. All of these things a mom with older children can do with relative ease (meaning a great support system).

Having a baby, I'd want to be with him or her. I don't want to be a working mom who has to put her child in daycare. Been there, done that. Don't care for it. My preference. If I can have a choice, which at last glance, I believe I am the one in charge of my life - I do have a choice - I can be the mom I want to be.

So these thoughts have been on my mind. Friday comes and I get into my routine. My daughter heads out to school, my husband to work and my son off to his school. The youngest lives with her mom and comes every other weekend. I head out to my first client. I had a meeting after that. Then I stopped by M's school to bring her sushi for her birthday lunch. Then I had to meet with some teens renting out the hall I own. Then by my mother's quick to say hi to my son who was staying with her over night as I was working and going out with M for her birthday wish - a movie, Beastly which be still my beating heart, she wanted to see with moi!! Then off to two more clients, then to a town 30 mins away to pick M up from rehearsal.

We stopped off to get some candy at a local Walgreens. We pulled into the parking lot and I put my blinker on for the space I wanted while waiting for other cars who'd pulled in from the other side come down the lane. I waited patiently and then some woman ON HER CELL PHONE pulled right into the spot. I WAS LIVID!! M was afraid I'd make a scene. Know this - I only make scenes at home. We got our candy and left, walking past the car. I had one of those imaginary montages playing in my head where I keyed her car and slashed her tires. I didn't. I really am not that person.

Then the movie, where karma found us a parking spot right up front. A great flick and my niece was there too (I'll have to write about this another time), then home shortly, then back to the hall to discover it had been trashed. Soda everywhere. YUCK! Teens are gross. Gum all over the floor. My grandmother's spirit was screaming "CLOSE YOUR FREAKING MOUTHS WHEN YOU CHEW!!" in my ear as I scraped up the tenth wad off the floor. Then I finally got home about 1:30 or so. Asleep by 2 am.

It is now Saturday. Saturday finds me waking up at 6:30 because I'm thinking to myself, "You've got to get up because M has to get ready for her concert." M had a regional music festival to attend a couple towns over so we'd have to leave early to get her there...she's a teen, she needed beauty time. I needed a Starbucks run. Two times within 12 hours I headed out to a town I go to once a year IF that. There isn't much there to go for, but the high school has a great auditorium. I dropped her off and headed back to the hall for more clean up. Then home again to clean myself up, then back to watch the concert in the town I rarely go to but yet have been there and back three times now in eighteen hours.

The concert was great! My mother and I went and really enjoyed it. Well, we enjoyed it after we got inside. When we pulled into the parking lot, a lady was leaving, so after she pointed to where she was parked, I pulled around to it, as another car came around from the other side. I put my blinker on first but the woman sat there stubbornly shaking her head. The FURY I felt in that moment found me stepping on the gas and driving past her when I really wanted to just jump out of the car and start slamming on her car hoping to smash her window in. I didn't. I just parked in a different area, walking into the building and calming down ready to enjoy a concert.

The jazz ensemble of middle school students, 6th, 7th and 8th graders was amazing. I loved hearing my daughter sing. Even in the group, I could hear her. At one point most of the group stopped singing (they weren't supposed to) and a couple continued. I could hear her voice singing out. She's tall so they always put her in the way back.

After the concert, I attempted a nap. I managed a meditation. Thankfully. I just couldn't let my mind go. I don't know how to explain this. There is a glorious moment when I am prone on my bed under the covers, head nestled on the pillow, eyes closed. It is almost ecstasy for me. I am not exaggerating. I would totally put this on the same level as an orgasm. Not all orgasms but one that offers satiation. I feel as if I'm settling into a cloud, softly, gently, secure. I can let everything go. And I do. It really is euphoric. I'm happy. This feeling is memorable. Every time it happens, I think, YAY!!

While I love that feeling, it didn't happen then. I got up and went to work at the hall. We had a social dance booked and I work the soda counter. Its fun but long and drawn out. Plus I'm not a huge fan of country music and that's what they play. I don't mind it, but it isn't my favorite. I'd had a few moments of wanting to just freak out on people so I'm really proud that I made it through the night with no scenes (as I said, I save them for home). Thankfully I had a friend there to talk to as well. So did M.

We got home about quarter to 12. She went to bed and I snuggled with my hubby for a few. Then I went to bed. And yup. Got that feeling. I just gave over to it.

I slept late, I needed it. Probably still not quite enough sleep but better. I missed CBS Sunday Morning but oh well. Another Sunday. I had to open the hall again for another event. YAY! Busy weekends are good.

My mother and the hubby's mom came over for cake. It went ok but invariably my hubby will do something that will get on my nerves and sho'nuff...I snapped. The BITCH came out.

All that reading the other day and discussion I had with my mother about not reacting but moving the c in reacting and making it creating (same letters different word with different effects), went out the door. Time to work on that again.

REACTING - rearrange the C. This is CREATING. Creating is positive, helpful, moving forward - it is pure love. You don't create from fear. Reacting works with fear. I'm getting sleepy so my description isn't the greatest but Neale Donald Walsch - Conversations With God - this explains it better.

Even though I had been grumpy and snippy and okay, a bitch, the night ended well. The kids crashed early - CMTs tomorrow, the hubby crashed before everyone, the puppy is out too and I got to write.

Tomorrow is a new day. Stone cold sober, nope, stone cold sleepy, I end this day. The bitch is back - in her place, somewhere tucked away. She exists, I accept this. I'd just like to have a say when she comes out to play.

Sleep well.

I STILL WISH YOU THE BEST

And although there's pain in my chest
I still wish you the best with a
F*ck you, Oo, oo, oo ~ Cee-Lo Green

I'm one of those people who may get upset but moves on pretty quickly. Sometimes things get me down and I need to just vent and let it go. Other times, it sort of builds. I don't like it when it builds. It feels insidious. Great word. It even sounds evil. I can actually feel the energy build inside me. It starts as a small spark not warm like a flame but cold and dark. It increases like smoke with a spiral and spreads out. Tendrils of this insidious bad feelings meandering through my body...and mind.

Today was one of those days that just built more and more...insidious. It started with me getting up later than I'd intended. After 7am. I've been attempting to get up at 6am before everyone else to have some peace and quiet without the whole chaos of the morning routine invading my consciousness. I couldn't get myself up. Way too sleepy. I dragged myself to the couch to go through my normal wake up routine of easing into the day.

Being vaguely aware of my oldest heading out the door to school at 7:15am to catch her bus (I average two-three days per week thinking she hasn't even left yet, though it is almost 8 am), I get up to get ready for the day. My son staggers down the stairs and finishes his homework while my husband goes off to work.

After my son heads off to school, I head out to teach at the Senior Center to begin my Tai Chi class there. My car starts making some odd noises like its growling whenever I turn to the left. Plus my oil light comes on whenever I turn to the left as well. Weird right. Nope. I call the car place because of course I also need to get my emissions done as well to have them tell me oh that sounds like (insert something horribly expensive sounding here) and I probably shouldn't be driving it around too much. GREAT!

Thankfully my appointment following the class cancelled. Then I postponed my student after that because I had a feeling it would be a long eventful experience at the mechanics. I go there and drive the mechanic around a bit so he gets an idea of how truly crazy I am because the car doesn't make the sound until we finally return to the car place. He says it probably isn't as bad as they thought.

Yeah, an hour or so later they come out and say, you need to come look at this. I get shown how crappy my brake pads are and the clamp things that hold them as well as the roters being messed up too. Then there is some kind of bar that is a safety issue that needs to be replaced on both sides PLUS all of the belts need replacing. GREAT! How much? $900. But they did throw in the oil change for free, since I got snippy with them adding that in at the end saying, "REALLY?! It isn't as if I'm not spending a BOAT LOAD of money here already today!"

They gave me a loaner car and I went on my merry way. I just came home and got back into my groove of work. Yeah right. It was not working well. The phone wouldn't stop. This was a good thing but not for allowing for a little bit of breathing room and focus. I did not have any focus.

Finally my son comes home. Now I'm surprised because usually my daughter comes home before him so I had a moment of panic before I remembered she was staying later for practice for an event she has coming up this weekend. She's in a concert at a neighboring middle school. She's been attempting to get into this for the last three years. Finally this year she made it.

So my son comes in and says, "What's wrong with the car?" I said, "What do you mean?" He says, "You've got the loaner." I start laughing. He remembered the last time we got this loaner from the mechanic last summer. Same car. Not sure why he loves it. He said, "Wouldn't it be cool if our car could transform into this one and back again when we wanted it." Pretty cool.

Then I dropped him off at his fathers and then went about doing my errands that I needed to finish. I went to Walmart bought cute colored tablecloths. Then went to my mother's to visit and then went to the Hall to change out the tablecloths and meet with someone who wanted to rent it out. Great! This is a good great not a sarcastic one this time. It took forever to get the tablecloths all changed out. I discovered in the process that half of the ones I'd purchased last week were missing from the people who'd rented the hall this weekend. Talk about not happy. Then I stayed to get updated and give some updates myself

This took forever. I finally run home to get there in time for the kids to get dropped off. I don't know why I rushed. It isn't like their father can EVER get them home on time. To find my husband already home. GREAT! No call, no nothing to let me know he could be helping me out by being home by 7:30 when the kids get home. NOPE!

Enter the insidious feelings. They'd been building on and off all day. Right now I'm attempting to write because this is how I vent. I don't chitchat on the phone because my family says I'm always on it. At least with the computer I can say it is my work that I'm doing.

I miss writing and venting. Expect more of this. Now all of the evil nasty feelings are on their way out. All the positive happy, riding unicorns and pooping out butterflies good feelings can come back.

F*ck you...I still wish you the best.

CONNECTIONS AND TAPESTRIES

Carole King is one of my favorite song writers. Blend her with a little James Taylor and mmhmm. Winter, Spring, Summer or Fall - I'll be there listening. You've got a friend! As a child growing up in the Seventies, there were many great singer/song writers introduced to me. I had stacks of 45s. Most people don't even know what these are. Nope not a gun. It is a small version of a record. Those things they had once upon a time, way before CDs and Ipods.

These small records had the popular song on one side and a not so well known song on the other. I played them on my portable Shawn Cassidy record player. It had a microphone with it. AWESOME! Yeah, for me it was. Payback came later in life when my daughter was given a small karaoke machine. It too was portable. I called my mother and apologized to her for my childhood screeching soon after my daughter began her "singing". Thankfully now she is much more talented.

I digress.

I listened to songs of every musical style - disco, rock, classical, you name it. Lyrics can take you on a trip. They can take you down memory lane or just to another place.

Tonight listening to them got me thinking about all the connections in my life. Facebook offers even more connections. I find myself even more amazed each day at how interconnected we all are. Dare I say, a collect consciousness. I'm going to have to ponder this some more. Battery is dying on the pc.

SWEET DREAMS ARE MADE OF THESE

Everybody is looking for something, right? What is it we're looking for? Some may say, "Love". Others may say, "Money". Others may say, "Fame". And others still will probably say something different.

That is the thing, we all believe we're looking for something different in our lives. Really, we're looking for a purpose to our lives. That's what it is when you boil it right down. Purpose. Dig a little deeper and what you are truly looking for is your SOUL PURPOSE.

Here's the catch, it seems so out of reach, so unattainable, you'll never be able to experience it. The truth is, you're experiencing it all the time. Every moment of every day. There are signs, if only you pay attention. Why do you think all these 21st Century gurus are so popular right now? You know the ones telling you to be aware, live in the moment, create space around you, meditate, FREE YOUR MIND AND THE REST WILL FOLLOW! Right?

They are making money hand over fist because people are so desperate to find their purpose. Truth is, it is within. Only YOU can look within. Sure there are people who mean well and can help. In the end, only you can figure out what your Sweet Dreams are Made of.